Blog entry for:

cannot conceive of anything greater or more important than itself. But there is a spiritual solution to our spiritual malady: the TWELVE STEPS. The steps lead me away from self-centeredness and toward GOD-centeredness.
me, me, me, it is all about me and do not even think to try to tell me anything different, i cannot nor will not be able to hear what you are saying. that is after all how things have always worked for me, i am the most important piece of flesh in the universe. it feels weird writing that, but the irony of this bit of hyperbole, is that it really is not that far-fetched. i now realize that even though i may not have consciously considered such a statement, under the surface this current carried all my thought and behaviors away from where i wanted to go. my will, my life and all of the wills and lives that i could manage to influence were geared towards fulfilling the desires of this self-centered being.
so as soon as i quit using, i became some sort of selfless, caring saint who put the needs and desires of the entire world in front of mine!? not by a long shot, as a matter of fact i took one of the most misquoted lines in our literature and ran all the way to the bank with it. that line, "the newcomer is the most important person in the room" seemed to give me permission to continue to be the self-seeking, self-centered, self-absorbed asshole that i had become as a result of my active addiction. as i continued to keep coming back, got a sponsor and stop spouting what i thought was the truth and what you guys wanted to hear, i slowly came to realize exactly how self-centered i had become as a result of using, and how damaged i really was as a person and a spiritual being. most of all, i finally became willing to let some sort of process work and accept that i might not possibly be the center of life the universe and everything. yes i still struggles with the attitudes that years of living in self-will has ingrained in me. yes, i am still self-centered, selfish and self-seeking, none of those less than savory attributes of me have been eradicated. BUT i am not as self-centered as i was, i am willing to allow a process beyond my understanding transform me into a man i never knew i wanted to be. and i am willing to look at the consequences of my self-centered behavior, and with the help of my HIGHER POWER, through the fellowship that has provided a new manner of living, allow the changes to happen deep within my spirit. one of the changes that is already manifest in me, is the desire to become less self-centered and learn how to live in the world without needing to be the center of everything. those changes are coming along, however slowly, and i am grateful for the path that i was set upon ten or so years ago. i may not have been ready for recovery when i walked into the rooms ten years ago, but recovery was ready for me, and for that i am grateful today!
i can learn to be more selfless if i allow the steps and the process to work, so i think i will get out of the way and see what happens.

∞ DT ∞