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not from my own self. with that in mind i will practice the Twelve Steps to become more HIGHER POWER-centered and less self-centered.
well my seed is a bit tortured this morning, but after chatting with a sponsee last night, it is where i am, not self-centered, but certainly not comfortable with the “G” word this morning. it is as it is, and it really is no big thang!
self-centered? really? seriously? me? i am after all the most selfless person i know! i wish i had a dollar for every time i heard that thought in my head, had it come out of my mouth in one form or another OR heard a sponsee say that. i certainly would no longer be working for a living as i would lots of assets in the bank.
i certainly am enamored with a condition that masks all its apparent symptoms to the person who it most affects, ME! yes i came to recovery believing the world revolved around me, actually what i believed was that the universe revolved around me, and anyone who did not believe that as well, did not need to be a part of my life. needless to say, at the end of my using career, my life did not have a whole lot of people in it. although, cosmologically and physically, it can be argued that i am at the center of the universe, spiritually i can see that such an argument is the effect of more normal human traits being expanded to meet the needs of being an addict in active addiction. decades of that expansion of traits into defects, hardly goes away overnight and no one has ever said that i would. what they did say was that IF i kept coming back and IF i did what they did, I would GET what they got, and i have -- a release from my obsession with self and enough freedom from the self-centered world that i once inhabited to look forward to another day clean.
i am not totally selfless and far from HP-centered today, but i am certainly better than i was. each day i allow myself the freedom ton recover by LIVING the 12 STEPS, i get that much better, and for now, that is more than enough. so off to the showers and down into Denver i go. it is a great day to be clean and i certainly GET that is a gift that i can cherish, nourish and give away, just for today

∞ DT ∞