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is the spiritual core of addiction. that pretty much sums it up. it is why when cornered and i have the chance to come clean, i do everything in my power to escape without admitting where i might be wrong. it explains my resistance to the fellowship and the spiritual principles it espouses, as in that world i am not in the center. it explains why i would rather flush my life down the drain, rather than ask for help. it explains so much of my behavior, across the course of my recovery, that it should get the Captain Obvious award, and yet, when i am in the middle of being self-centered the last thing i am looking for is a way out.
i could use this opportunity to apply this notion to the three close peers, who are noodling around with the notion that maybe they too need recovery, but to do so would be a waste of my time and effort. that effort is better applied on looking at and enumerating how being self-centered affects my life, and how i can walk through that behavior and actually live a program of recovery. i will say this, like them, i am very concerned about what others think and when i pile that on top of being self-centered, i am danger of going places i would rather not go.
sitting here this morning and thinking about how the spiritual core of addiction plays into my character defects, i can easily justify and rationalize my behaviors, mind-sets and judgements across the course of my recovery. getting to a place that i could concede to my innermost self that i was an addict took quite some time. i was not one of those who was struck clean when i walked into the rooms, and found a spiritual path from the very beginning, although there were times when i like to “look” like i was a recovery guru. i could sling the jargon around and string together cognizant and seemingly rational arguments, but they never had any substance, i was obsessed with what my peers were thinking and how i thought they were judging me. it was not that i wanted them to be part of my life, but i craved their respect and whenever possible their admiration. i quickly l;earned that playing the false humility card was quite a quick way to get closer to what i was trying to achieve. even today, i find myself slipping back into that “look how humble” mode from time to time, which i am quite certain is a symptom of what has left to be removed.
wanting to appear to be something i was not, kept me on the fringes for a very long time. service, even though i did it for all the wrong motives, roped me into the inner circle of addicts who were actually doing the deed. when i looked at how they were living and how i was feeling, the stark contrast was enough motivation to bring em to my knees and actually start my attempt of living a program, not just talking as if i did. taking over a year to come to terms with a “heathen” spiritual path and sharing about the isolation i felt, is one way for me to get beyond being self-centered. i know many of my peers struggle with the direction of their spiritual path and end up falling in with the herd, just to move along, been there done that, got the T-shirt. today, part of being of service to share my struggles and my triumphs on my spiritual journey, especially as part of this last set of steps. most of the work seems to have been breaking down the barriers the self-centered part of my has continued to maintain. it is true, i am socially retarded and quite inept in most social situations. part of that is a direct result of pretending to be what i am not. if i look like i am self-confident and self-assured, then i can glide through social situations without picking up any baggage, good, bad or indifferent. as a result playing at being what i am not has prevented me form being who i want to be. i know today, that i am not too broken, to allow the POWER that fuels my recovery, to fix me, and that IF i choose to stay clean and remain active in living a program of recovery, that i will be less self-centered, more open and most importantly a better representation of who i am today, certainly socially awkward, a bit reserved and scared sh!tless that i may be discovered for being a fraud 😉! it certainly is a good day to be a part of something more and the world around me, and today i need not live a lie.

∞ DT ∞