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although working the steps, and doing my best to live the program has brought about changes that relieves me of this condition, my self-centeredness that is.
last night at the meeting, i heard an addict describing how he discovered why he had went back, time and again to using. he stated quite simply that using substances still worked for him. that rung a bell in my head, because, like him, using still did the trick for me, way back when. i am more than certain that using would still work for me, so why is it that i can stay clean and he cannot? he and his sponsor believe that something is lacking in his first step, which brings me back to me. yes i know that being self-centered is the gist of the reading this morning, be that as it may, it is after all, all about me. although my belief system still contains that dangerous caveat, the rest of the program that i choose to live today, bolsters my belief that IF i choose to exercise that option, i will not like the consequences. yes, i could lose everything that has been given to me in the material world, but more importantly, i WILL lose the tenuous grip on reality that keeps me moving forward. i have moved from a place of desperation, into a place of FAITH. i understand that the desperation that drove me to work STEP ONE, forced me into an untenable situation, once i worked that step, for real. IF I AM POWERLESS, WHAT IS THERE LEFT TO DO? the answer to that question, for me, was to start STEP TWO, and hence my recovery was initiated. can i say that would work for him? i don't know. all i know is that IF I WANT TO STAY CLEAN and not exercise the so-called nuclear option, I MUST KEEP DOING WHAT WORKS.
i do have evidence that this gig is working, after all, back in the day, i would have seen this addict as a means to get what i wanted and used him without mercy. today, all i want to do is help him arrive at a place where he can start to destroy his structure of denial and replace that belief system with one that leads him along the path of recovery. he seemed surprised when i took the time to tell him that like him, substances still worked for me, although that theory has yet to be tested by me, and just for today i think i will leave that in the realm of yet to be tested. i shared that with him, because over and over again, i hear addicts sharing about how the drugs stopped working, and i remember how that was one of the pillars of my plan to return to using, because i was so fVcking different from all of them. they could not nor would not ever get me, as a result, had nothing to offer me.
wah-wah-wah, that in and of itself, almost took me out time and time again, way back when.
i know today, that i am not any different in most respects. my desperation was just quieter and more subtle, but i was just as desperate, just as self-loathing, just as self-centered and for all intents and purposes just as sick as those who were present back in those difficult early days. i would like to believe that the empathy and compassion that i have been given has removed the self-centered part of me, or at least molded it back into the same form as the 85% of the rest of the human race that are not addicts. if i was to go on appearances only, that might be true. what i understand today is those appearances are more than just deceiving, they are downright deadly. i am now, and probably have always been an addict. i will never be magically moved into that other percentile, and i can accept that without reservations. i still have self-interest at heart, and it serves me well in recovery. i want to love and to live, and the only way i can continue to do so, is to NOT USE NO MATTER WHAT, JUST FOR RIGHT NOW.
the wonderful part of the program is that IF I WANT, THEN ALL I HAVE TO DO, is take the suggestions based on those who walk the path in front of me. understanding that i am self-centered, does not mean i have to walk in that mode today, as i have an alternative that i consciously choose to exercise, ACTIVE RECOVERY. that choice is the gift that keeps on giving to use an old cliché, and as such i think i will step out of the way and allow it to do so.
it is a good day to be clean, although there are one or more things that might be better, HOWEVER using will not make them any better, so i can discard that choice and move on to the things that will make my life better, which right here and right now is a shower and a shave.
as i say to the garandboys, in a while crocodile!

∞ DT ∞