Blog entry for:

that the world revolves around me and that i should get everything i have ever desires, is certainly an apt definition of the chronic self-centeredness of this addict anyhow. it is interesting as i peek back into the corpus of work i have posted on this topic, how many times i used to parrot the party line of nearly every twelve step fellowship, especially about turning away from self and embracing GOD. in reality, i can quite clearly see that was still part and parcel of being self-centered and seeking the ways and means to look “good.” as i spent my quiet time this morning seeking that inner light, what bubbled up from the depths was a sense of being more than i have ever been and no longer needing to seek the approval of others about my spiritual direction.
moving along with that train of thought, these days, as i may not be a “GOD” guy, i do tend towards minimizing my destruction on the world around me and maximizing the amount of love, care and kindness i choose to put into it, on a daily basis. for me, that seems to be the perfect foil to being self-centered, although it still implies that the world revolves around me, and perhaps it does, especially in a narrowly defined local space. my actions, reactions and responses affect those all around me, with the greatest effect being on those the closest to me. seeking the ways and means to affect them in a more “positive” manner, without selling myself out, feels as if it is a good place for me to start my day off and go from there. i think i have a bit more to add to this but am on a tight schedule and need to get out to the Rec Center, so i will leave it here for now and see what pops off the stack as i sweat to some ska-punk rock.
coming back to this now, after a bit of work, a work out and a trip to get some snail mail stamps, i do realize that i have a bit more to write about. for decades i have been calling one of my peers, nearly every day. over the past ten months or so, with my new job, i stopped calling and got a little bit under the collar when he did not reach out and ask what was up. in my petulant pique, i decided that if i was going to have to put more effort into the relationship than he was willing to give, than i might as well just walk away. on his clean date, at dinner, i saw the error of my ways and decided that because we had the same conversation daily, perhaps a txt would be a better idea, and for me, it is working. today, i got a response from him that he may actually find it beneficial as well. once i gave up my self-centered outlook, i got something in return, the knowledge that i can communicate daily and let someone know that i am there for them. because i care about how i see myself these days, i also care about those with whom i share my life. because i respect myself, i am learning to respect others. because i believe that i am broken beyond repair and a victim of addiction, i can be present in the moment, most of the time. when i am not, oh well, i am only human and there certainly is a step for that. 😁

∞ DT ∞