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overwhelming sense of self-importance, was never anything i signed-up for, trust me on that. i was quite content to pretend i cared about others and actually could put your needs ahead of mine, but all that smoke and mirrors hid the fact, that i did that shit, to look good. in fact, looking good was the most important task i could accomplish on a daily basis, as it fed the lie that i lived for so long. it is no wonder i have such a level of disgust and disrespect for one of my peers, that seemed to be all about being the savior of the fellowship, when that is MY JOB! lifer is certainly ironic in that way. not only am i not the end all and be all, i am just another member, doing what he can to carry a message of recovery and i no longer require any recognition for doing just that. i do not expect a lifetime achievement award, nor do i expect to get a medal for doing the next right thing, although that has not always been the case.
i have to say, i am tired of spending hours on the phone every day and i certainly hope that i get a new position soon, like every soon. i had a tech interview yesterday that i am waiting to hear about, and i know that based on the last interview, it will be a few days before the recruiter gets back to me. i have another interview this afternoon and i will have to demo some code for this one. that is no big deal, as i have been training five days a week to do just that. i understand that once my inbox stops filling up and i do not have a new position i will have to live on unemployment and savings, and i am not prepared to do that, yet. i believe that i am still capable of being employed and that all i need to do, is be honest and put my best self forward.
speaking of moving forward, it is time to dress up, and hit the streets on this frigid winter's morning. i know that i “could” take the day off and i would not all of a sudden, gain four inches and forty pounds, overnight. lately, however, this is the time i am away from my phone and my computers, so it is a digital detox of sorts. i NEED to step away from the world for fifty minutes or so, and outside into the cold, allows me to do just that. just for right now, i am okay with freezing my ass off, for a bit of serenity and peace of mind. i am grateful i have the desire to forge ahead and what i think i do not want to do, has yet to become something i cannot do.

∞ DT ∞