Blog entry for:

i have the ability to order my life to fit my DESIRE. quite a yet not that far off the way i feel ... i get stuck right here, if i say **most of the time,** am i going down the path of false humility to look good in the eyes of others? if is say **every now and again,** am i minimizing the reality of being me? the fact is, when i cane to recovery, i was all thought of and my needs, and desires were paramount, eclipsing the needs and desires of everyone else in the world. after a minute clean and some days living a program, i have a life where i am more in alignment with where i fit in the world and the importance of what i want. it is a very narrow path to tread between arrogant egoism and humility, and i am far from being able to navigate it, without a stumble or three.
for me, being self-centered seems to be a natural state and i am pretty sure it is part of the human condition, or at least self-interest is. i have heard it said and have come to believe that my active addiction took self-interest and warped it into total self-absorption and selfish DESIRE. as i stay clean, i get to learn that perhaps it is not all about me. as i m et with a peer yesterday, one that has been “around” for nearly seven years, i was struck by the level of honesty i showed, especially when telling him, where my fault in stating this relationship lies. i have judged him, as i do lots of people, and i am fearful that my judgement of his past behavior will color how i treat him as his sponsor. being aware of my “fatal flaw” as start down that path, is a a good thing. where does my self-interest really reside in this activity? how do i keep it from becoming all about me and not about him, as i am already three quarters of the way there? certainly something to ponder as the dawg and i take our walking tour of the east side of town.

∞ DT ∞