Blog entry for:

it is my belief that the world revolves around me. my wishes, my demands are the only ones worth consideration.
once again, i get to write about what being self-centered means to me, and how it affects my life, still, today. yes, just because i have a nice number of days clean, in a row, and have been one of those who GOT the gift of recovery, despite my best efforts to isolate and disqualify myself, being self-centered, did not just disappear overnight. i know that part of being human, is seeing everything from the center of the universe. that everything is relative, and i could certainly argue that how i see reality is from the center of the universe, on a physical as well as a metaphysical point of view. presenting that argument, while worthy, is not what i am here to do today.
what addiction has done to that normal point of view, is distorted into a belief, that not only do i SEE everything from the center, i am ENTITLED to having the universe spin in just the way that i want it to, figuratively and literally. somehow, i not only have the ability to control it, i have the RIGHT to do so. so when sh!t happens, that is NOT to my liking, well then it is my job to assert control and power, to make it turn out the way i want it to, right fVcking now!
as insane at that may sound, it really is not that far off the mark and for me, the only cure is found in the FIRST STEP. ironically, i sat and listened to one of my peers, talk about the powerlessness, mentioned in STEP ONE, yesterday, and this morning, i am get to write about how that applies in the here and now, in my life. it took me a relatively long time to admit how powerless i was over my obsession and compulsion to use drugs. it took even longer for me to finally surrender to that fact and start living in a manner, where that powerlessness was no longer relevant. by that i mean, it is not my drug use, that continues to color my world, but addiction. just because i no longer have the desire to use, and have not had that desire for quite some time, does not mean i am cured or have regained any power over the part of me i call addiction. it means that i GET to move on and work on what is blocking me from becoming the man i always wanted to be, even before i knew what that man looked like. just like i was powerless over the infection in my left index finger, no matter how much i believed it was just going to clear up on its own, so i am powerless over how the part of me i call my addict, colors the world and my perception of it, the world that is. knowing that and and acting on that as fact, are certainly two separate tasks. for me, knowledge is not wisdom, but certainly can lead to wisdom, when i take it out of the context of the center of life, the universe and everything and accept that my world view, my desires and yes even my needs may not, and probably do not match all those around me. i am GIVEN a daily reprieve from the horrors of active addiction, when i choose to do the next right thing. that reprieve, no matter how much i want to take credit for it, does not come from me, it comes form the POWER that fuels my recovery and is a gift that i need to cherish and build upon. yes i can take credit for making the decision to surrender my will and my life into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery.
so after a bit of time away, working with two of the men who choose to call me their sponsor, i guess i written enough, as i am way out of my plan for today. yes, even though i want the universe to spin my way, i can accept a bit of random noise and chaos, as that is just how it goes. it is a great day to be living a program of recovery and now the task at hand is to get some work done. life is good today!

∞ DT ∞