Blog entry for:

conceive of anything greater or more important than itself.
over the past week, i have been fretting about something i did, and worst of all got caught doing! needless to say, i have come to the conclusion that it is because i just do not like someone. the real issue than becomes, why me and no one else. this is not the only example of this attitude, and in every case it seems to come down to jealousy and envy of their social skills. being socially inept and awkward makes me feel less than, so instead of chumming up with the social butterflies, i shun, spurn and do my best to put some distance between them and myself. realizing this, i see that it comes down to being self-centered, and is just part of the package today. instead of seeing when one evaluates the entire package, there are many things that they are and can not be, that i am. that fact, in and of itself i should be enough to help me move beyond what i am not, and as i grow, continue to do what i need to do, i see that will become a fact of my life. for the first time, perhaps ever, when i am off the beaten track from everyone else, i can actually look to see why. quite honestly though, i would NOT trade what i have for their social skills and ease. as i write this, i am seeing more and more, that i am secure, most of the time, in who i am, a self-centered sh!t that is doing his best to move forward. i have what i have always wanted and need not seek outside symbols of what i am or am not.
the reading and my quiet time this morning, suggests that IF i want to get better, i need to allow the process of the STEPS to continue to transform me. i have been balking a bit in the acceptance of my ELEVENTH STEP, specifically about what prayer should be for me, and how to implement that action in my new spiritual configuration. i tried letting go for a bit and just doing what i have always done, and although that feels better, it is still not quite there. it still feels like something i am forcing myself to do, not unlike taking a purgative, to fit in, and hence be more socially acceptable. it is no wonder than, that i act out against those who i feel are better at being social, as it makes my struggle with prayer a bit less trivial. self-centered in ever respect, i am!
anyhow, i re styled my web site over the weekend, a bit of self-obsession that will benefit me in the long run, the next phase it to finish the job, with the behind the scenes stuff and fixing the broken pages, forms and functionality. as i move forward with this lesson, learning how to ask the POWER that fuels my recovery to keep me clean and show my gratitude for receiving the power to stay clean, my web site provides a welcome distraction. that distraction will hopefully become an outlet so i need no longer express my frustration with what i am not, sideways by taking it out on those who are. it is after all a good day to let go of the distractions of self-obsession and self-centeredness.

∞ DT ∞