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my own devices, the world would of course suit me perfectly, or would it? i have heard it said that DESIRE is the root of all evil. i may not buy into that notion, lock, stock and barrel, but i certainly do see DESIRE and traipsing through life entitled and self-centered going hand in hand. i want what i want and i want it now dammit. the only thing that has changed since i got clean, is i can often recognize that set of attitudes permeating my waking life, before too much damage is done.
as i was walking today, my mind went to he fact that someone in or neighborhood believe thy are entitled to park a car with expired plates anywhere they choose to and leave it there for days on end, because “their father lost his license due to seizures.” while it is sad that someone is suffering the consequences of ill-health, i wonder where they get off thinking that their problem, should become the problem of all their “neighbors.” it is a behavior i am quite familiar with and one that is germane to this topic, spreading the cost of my misfortunes on all those around me and shaming them into accepting that cost. when i was miserable, i made sure everyone around me was miserable and when they chose to push back, the shame engine started and i manipulated them into accepting my burden. as heinous as that sounds, it worked quite well and i see my obsession with my “neighbors” plight in a similar vein. i was going to go on about them and cast motives on their behavior based on my own. yes i was because i can still be more than a little self-centered. the fact is, i got pissed off when i say their little “missive” to have pity on them and have nurtured that into a bright and shiny resentment, mostly because i can no longer get away with a very familiar and effective set of behaviors.
of course it is a diversion from my own behavior of smoking the past two days and even if it was only a “few” times, it is still contrary to how i want to be seen and to the vision where i am going as a person. instead of beating myself up, i throw someone else under the bus. another very familiar behavior. i am quite certain now that i am powerless over addiction as the evidence of my behaviors over the past few days, is indicating. so as i prepare to head on over to my home group, without a cigar burning in the ashtray in my car, i can remind myself that although i am far from perfect, i have a POWER that fuels my recovery and i can surrender tobacco into ITs care, just for today.

∞ DT ∞