Blog entry for:

i want if only i would be left to my own devices, yeah that could be a symptom of the malady of **self.** selfish, self-obsessed, self-righteous, and self-entitled are all part and parcel of the slice of me i call addiction, and one could more than likely add a few others. recovery, at least for me, seems like an oasis in the desert of self, i find myself in from time to time.okay, so i used more than a little bit of hyperbole there, the truth is, although the desert of “self” is still part of my life, it is not as prominent as it was when i walked into the rooms. recovery, as the reading states, and working the steps is helping me to be relieved of self-centered self-obsession.
a year ago, yes i peeked, i was dealing with my self-centered reaction to a friend's seemingly never-ending NEED to have everyone and everything conform to their expectations. that addict still is struggling to find a path out of that desert and i find myself a bit softer and a bit more empathetic to their plight. the fact of the matter is, that i now see myself in their attitudes and behaviors and as i do my utmost best to distract myself and avoid writing down, my powerless inventory, i see the same behaviors returning to the forefront of my daily life. no not theirs, but mine!
the notion that is running through my head, is of course i should be better than this, by now. the FEAR that is driving my lack of effort, is that if i write it down, somehow it will be more real than it is right now and somehow it will be as if i summoned a hoard of daemons from the pits of HELL to torment and torture me. that is not hyperbole, but the actual thought process i had, as i sat last night and it returned as a theme this morning. writing down what i am powerless over, actually makes it no more real than it already is, no matter how much i want to crater to that FEAR, it all smoke and mirrors.
on a brighter note, it appears i may get to work from home again on Monday, as the team from India, cannot make our 7:30 meeting this morning. four days out of the office always seems to cheer me up. it is not that the office is some sort of heinous pit of misery, but the commute seems like it is. i find myself challenged not to pull out an semi-automatic weapon and clear the weak and feeble from the roads i take for my commute. not the slightest self-centered there am i?! yes, that is just a symptom of where i end -up some days. i am grateful that i have a path out, in real-time. that path? take a breath, clear my head and allow myself to feel the next right thing to do. right now it is to wrap this little ditty up and concentrate on what is going on in my work place. it is certainly a good day to be clean and certainly a better day to live my life to the fullest. 😁

∞ DT ∞