Some memes

a self-seeking life to a life based on spiritual principles requires me to change profoundly. another day off the ranch and another day looking at a part of my life i take for granted. day in and day out, i work a program of recovery that is habitual, ritualistic and auto-magic, without considering what i am doing and why it is i still do what i do. it is just part of my life that i have done for so long, i lose track of what the impetus for it all once was. i am quite fond of saying that it was the justice system that sentenced me to recovery, and as cutesy as that may sound, the actual truth of the matter is that all the justice system did was keep me in the rooms long enough for me to reach a place of desperation. with eighteen months clean., living in a state of mere abstinence, i “decided” that maybe i would actually give this recovery gig a go, at least until i “killed my number.” lucky for me, that when that day arrived, i had found something that had been missing in my life, connection and a way forward. i still missed getting high, but the internal changes i felt were worth me walking away form “one last time.”
this morning, as i took a peek at what the fellowship has approved for the daily readings, i could not wrap my head around either one. looking for something different brought me to a place where i looked at a part of my program that i often do not consider, a commitment to working a program. the things i do every morning certainly are part of that commitment, even if i do not consciously admit it. the way i frame my day, keeps me in line with the spiritual principles i have come to live by, even when i want to step out and behave in a less than stellar manner. i may not always do the next right thing, but i certainly know what the next right thing is. when i consider how i live a program of recovery i get the opportunity to look at it with a critical eye. looking at my conscious commitment is not a place i go, and with my stalling out on STEP FOUR, as i let myself catch up with STEP THREE, i can see that i am not as committed to moving forward as i would like to think. nevertheless i am clean today and committed to staying clean today, no matter what. that is the bare minimum and i certainly hope i can do ma bit more than just that.
it g-has been a slow and lazy morning and i do need to get an errand run, have some lunch and get ready to work. i have a program of recovery to follow to today and some guardrails in place to keep me on that path. i may no longer be looking for another job, but i certainly need to do my current one with the same gusto and commitment i give to my program, it does pay my bills and give me something to do, so just for today, i can celebrate i have a job that i want to go to.

∞ DT ∞