Some memes

a meaningful relationship was one that got me what i wanted and more importantly when i wanted it. that did not instantly change when i got clean and certainly not before i actually had some time in real recovery. for someone like myself, who vied relationships as transactional and zero-sum games, the metamorphosis into a loving caring and yes a partner in relationships was slow in coming and is still a work in process. to add anything to qualify that statement would minimize and diminish me. what i can say, is that i have meaningful and deep relationships in my life today. in those relationships i accept my partners exactly as they are and love them for who they are, not despite who they happen to be today. the place i still struggle, is new relationships, especially those that i am forming on a social level at the cigar shop. there are many of my customers i do not mind sitting down to chat with, there are some i actually like and have fun with and there are others who i really do not want in my life, beyond selling them a cigar. separating them out and allowing everyone involved to be who they are is the difficult part of my new social milieu. as challenging as it may feel, it is a task i feel that i can succeed at, if i practice my program of recovery.
this morning as i sat after a less than restful night of sleep, what kept coming up was the notion that i have to get moving on all sorts of stuff and i do not have the desire to do so. among those tasks i have little desire to do, is to start writing on my FOURTH STEP again, going over the relationships i have in my life. when i wrote my first FOURTH Step, i had much fewer relationships in my life and none that are as deep and equal as the ones i have today. that was a quick bit that i got through quickly. when i was writing my list of relationships out, i kept adding more and more and most of them are issue free and just a part of my daily living. i probably can go through them just as quickly as before and yet, here i sit waiting for the impetus to get moving again. the problem, at least IMHO, is i do not feel the pain of sitting still and as a result lack the desire to do anything to move forward.
right here and right now i am more focused on getting my sleep cycle corrected and my body ready to run again. spiritually and mentally i am doing more that just okay and that is more than likely the problem limiting my desire. if i want to keep the balance i have today, i know that a bit of writing perhaps before bedtime is more than likely the direction i need to take. i do know that just for today i accept that i still have issues forming deep relationships and the relationship with myself needs to be revised. all i have to do, is the next right thing.

∞ DT ∞