🥨 recovery is not 🪢
Posted: Mon, Jul 14, 2025 10:31:31 AM
always a tidy process; i am building intimate relationships this have never comes naturally to me. sitting down and listening to the void this morning, what kept coming up, was the notion that even with a minute clean, i still struggle with relationships and the expectation i put on those with whom i have those relationships. one minute i think i have it down pat and i can cruise my way through whatever may happen and the next, i cannot do anything right and wonder where the fuck i missed the boat. being socially adept was never my forte and even as i become better at it, i still stumble and fall with great frequency. some days, it feels as if it would just be better to pull up, go find a cave and become a silent hermit, cloistered away from the world and those oh so messy relationships.
i know, black and white thinking gets me nowhere, even when it feels as if it is the next right thing to do. what i felt when i got up and started my day, was that even if i am less than stellar in accepting how i do relationships and not putting expectations on those relationships, i am certainly better at it, than when i was using and in mere abstinence. i finally “get” that intimate relationships are not a zero sum game, that is transactional. quid pro quo, is no longer my norm, although it is a state of being that is easy for me to slip back into, like a old, beat-up, stinky pair of sneakers that needed to be recycled many, many, many moons ago.
anyway, today is the day that i start to peek at a few different ways to bring home the bacon. my two weeks of taking it easy is over and the time has come to look forward to something new. it is not as if i have been doing nothing. i have been doing the footwork, submitting applications, skill-building and paying attention to the job boards, and that is not going to stop. it just is time to be a bit more diligent about looking in a different direction and perhaps today is the day that something different waltzes into my life. it is a good day to take a risk, step out of my comfort zone and see what i can find, just for today.
i know, black and white thinking gets me nowhere, even when it feels as if it is the next right thing to do. what i felt when i got up and started my day, was that even if i am less than stellar in accepting how i do relationships and not putting expectations on those relationships, i am certainly better at it, than when i was using and in mere abstinence. i finally “get” that intimate relationships are not a zero sum game, that is transactional. quid pro quo, is no longer my norm, although it is a state of being that is easy for me to slip back into, like a old, beat-up, stinky pair of sneakers that needed to be recycled many, many, many moons ago.
anyway, today is the day that i start to peek at a few different ways to bring home the bacon. my two weeks of taking it easy is over and the time has come to look forward to something new. it is not as if i have been doing nothing. i have been doing the footwork, submitting applications, skill-building and paying attention to the job boards, and that is not going to stop. it just is time to be a bit more diligent about looking in a different direction and perhaps today is the day that something different waltzes into my life. it is a good day to take a risk, step out of my comfort zone and see what i can find, just for today.
∞ DT ∞