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i am grateful for the principles of recovery, as they have given the ability to see reality. while that ability was probably inherent in me since the dawn of my consciousness, it seems i became less and less likely to use at time went on. this drift from seeing the world as it is, and living in a fantasy world, started long before the first time i got high. as the twilight of active addiction descended upon me, that life became my reality, and the real world became a place for those who were not hip enough to use drugs.
not a pretty picture, i grant you, but in that world i always wanted to be someone different and as long as i was high i could be, at least in my own little world. quite truthfully, i did live mostly in the her and now, as looking ahead to what needed to be paid, and looking over my shoulder to see what i needed to avoid, were not activities i wanted to participate in. in that comfortably numb world, i would dwell on the past and the future only as long as i needed to, then i would take what ever steps were necessary to get what i needed next, generally my next get high.
so early recovery was quite a jolt, when i finally got there. being rocketed back to the real world by the justice system was my first shock, but even then i was incapable or perhaps better put unwilling to live in the here and now and let go of my fantasy world. evidence? well it too nine months after i was sentenced to arrive at my clean date and it took seven months after my first meeting. as long as i believe i could get away with something, which i did not at first hence my stint in the Boulder County Sheriff's Bread & Breakfast, my trip to St Mary's ARU in Grand Junction and my enrollment in an IOP program here in my home town. still i wanted to and continued to use, i just got more clever about how to do it. my fantasy world was now all about appearing to be in recovery, all the while i was using at every opportunity i could.
that too, came crashing down upon my ears and on that September morning all those days ago, i finally decided that maybe i had enough. reality had finally arrived and at forty years old, i was quite unprepared for it. the program then and the program now, gives me the capability to live in reality, temper my vision of the past and allow me to plan for my future, without dwelling in either one. i run because i know that in my fifties, i can make a difference in my health in late sixties. i go to meetings because i know that is where i get the stuff i need to live. i live a program of active recovery because i know the horrors of active addiction firsthand, and today i CHOOSE not to volunteer to be a victim of active addiction again, at least just for today.
the reality for me today? well there is a project i have been working on that needs finishing, there are some miles that need running, there are some checks that need to be picked up and there is another day, waiting for me to live it. all of this and more, and i think i will get started on it right now, it is after all a good day to…

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