Blog entry for:

that facilitate disappointment are stripped of their power by the program of recovery i CHOOSE to live today. when i CHOOSE to live in the fantasy world of DESIRE and self-will, allowing the obvious to overwhelm me, however, then i am certainly creating an untenable situation expecting nothing to materialize out of smoke and mirrors. this has been the life i have been living or rather lived for several months. nowadays, i am learning to be frugal and a whole lot more resistant with caving in to my DESIRE. it is certainly an excellent theme for the step i am currently being worked by and depending on what meeting i end up at tonight, i may get a bit more clarity about it. of course, what was is a bit off topic as is what will be, so time to shift back into the present tense.
this morning i have a bit of concern for my peers who have allowed life on life's terms to overwhelm them. i know how that feels and for me anyhow, getting wasted, certainly has seemed to be a viable option, more than once in my recovery journey. how i let go of what it was i was feeling and stayed the course, is beyond me, in fact i am quite certain that power is not within me, even after a several thousand days clean. i would love to say as many of my peers do that “i play the tape, all the way to the end.” the fact is, i do not. in fact i do not play the tape of all that i have to lose, with one little “slip” at all. when that alternative arises, to date, i have rejected it as a course of action. perhaps under the surface, i am playing the tape and it has already reached its end or i have just been conditioned and cultured into a state where i choose not to use as a default,, because i have been so diligent in living a program or maybe, it is just dumb luck. this is a gift horse that i have looked into the mouth of, and have found no hostile Greeks, so i think i will let it go.
for me, unmet expectations are by far the most overwhelming events in my life. they drive me to distraction and bring up the menu of less than stellar and certainly unpalatable choices. living in the now, by living a program, reduce those expectations and when i trip across one or more, as i often do, i have the ability to see them for what they are, pipe dreams that are as insubstantial as smoke and as deceiving as a fun house mirror. today, just for today, i can be okay, with what i have and yes, i will more than likely buy a POWERBALL ticket, after all if i do not play, i can not win!

∞ DT ∞