Blog entry for:

as i sit here, fuming and fretting about stuff that happened or did not happen last night, and more importantly the stuff i have to get done, before i roll on down to work, it occurs to me, that the reading is for this very second, where i need to be. yes it sucks that i have to sh!t to accomplish before i actually go to the job that pays my way, and whining about it, while relieving some of my frustration does little to change the circumstances. as i sit here listening to my 6 AM check point, i am ready to bitch and moan about how it sucks to be me, for the next hour and a half that it takes me to get down to work.
coming back to the here and now, i can be okay, that it is what it is, i have work to do. i have responsibilities to fulfill. yes, and more importantly i have the ability to be in the here and now, if i choose to be. right now, i can finally CHOOSE TO BE!
where i thought i might go, is a trip down memory lane, because i keep hearing a similar theme from one of my peers, well actually more than one, but that is beside the point. they keep thinking that their life is bad enough that using would be a good option, because they remember how wonderful the using life was. sort of. they are facing some major issues, and holding on with white knuckles to abstinence, and not doing a whole lot to move beyond the issues that are plaguing them.. what they should or should not do, is not what i am here to do this morning, but what i i see is myself, in a similar situation, not all that long ago, or what feels like forever ago.
yes, i had painted myself into a spiritual corner and was having difficulty accepting reality for what it was. i kept hoping and praying that i could turn things around, under my own self-will, and there were certainly glimmers of hope in that regard. i applied all my will, and although using never looked that attractive, there were certainly more than a few times in that painful stretch, where i thought just a shot to take the edge off, would be a nice escape. finally, when i swallowed my pride, saw that i had painted myself into a spiritual corner and surrendered to that fact, the way out was clear, and i took it.
today, thinking back on those dark days, where i had to do anything i could to keep up appearances, i see how insane and faithless i was being, and was certainly living anywhere but in the here and now. well i want to help my peer out, i have spoken to them, and given them support, so more than that, i guess will have to be revealed. me? well i will go shower off, and head on out to my next task, on my way into this Thursday of a week that has been less than ideal, but certainly better that the worst times of my life. i can live in the now, and let the haunting past and the troubling future, belong to whom they need to belong to, the POWER that fuels my recovery.

∞ DT ∞