Blog entry for:

-- or could be -- divert me from taking action in the real world. well i way overslept this morning, or perhaps i slept just enough, it was my head that keep me thinking that i needed to be somewhere and doing stuff, that i was not ready to do. truthfully, i now feel that i am right where i need to be, even though i am being frustrated one application at a time. so what do i need to do, step away from work, take a deep breath and come back and concentrate on this exercise this morning.
living in the real world, in the her and now, is one of the toughest tasks i face on a daily basis.
as much as i would like to think that is what i do, i know that is not the truth 100 percent of the time, in fact if i can do it 75 percent of the time, i would say and do say that i am having a successful day of living in the here and now, this is one of those things where a little bit lowered expectations, is a good thing. not that i aim for 750, i do accept that 100 percent is what i want to reach, but not beating myself up between perfection and three-quarters allows me the freedom to dream big and live in that same real world. how i deal with my shortcomings, is not what this exercise is about this morning. no what this is about, is how can i live in the so-called real world and not use no matter what.
i know when i was in active addiction, my life sucked, except in those few and far between moments of bliss, when i almost got the feeling i had been chasing for 25 years. i did have a few responsibilities, like working at a job to earn the money i needed to get high, but most of the time i hated what i was doing and even though i tried to pretend that i wanted to be there, my behavior showed me up for the fraud i was.
so today, when i look objectively at my life, i realize i have the sort of life i always fantasized about and yet, from time to time, well actually most of the time i want still more. more money, a newer car, a bigger house, more friends, more love, more respect and just plain more, which i see as the part of me i call addiction hijacking my train of thought one more time. what i really am, is grateful for having the chance to be so much more, and regardless of how much more i happen to want to be, i can be content knowing, that all i have to do, is stay in the here and now, do the next right thing and allow myself to feel my way through today, and all will be well. so as i still have to shower and get some errands run, i will say it is a good day to be practicing the principles of recovery in the here and now.

∞ DT ∞