Blog entry for:

can consume my hopes for recovery. once again into my pit of cynicism i dive, and who knows if i will come out with daisies and rainbows, or something not as attractive.
the reading this morning, could be seen as being about adjusting how i see the world, by focusing on the here and now. i get that, but sometimes, there is certainly more going on in my life than can be summarized in 300 words about a spiritual notion. as i sat last night, and went over my inventory, it discovered that i could find no joy in my life for yesterday. reflecting on that fact this morning, as i sat quietly, i began to realize that this in between world of leaving one job and starting another, is having a much greater effect on my serenity and general outlook, than i was aware of, up until quite recently, as within the past 90 minutes. it is because of this looking back, looking ahead paradigm, that i am feeling antsy and yes a little put out. it is all retrospect at one job and all speculation and anticipation at the job i take on Monday. so i am sort of lost in limbo land of the here and now. which quite nicely brings me to the reading.
the feelings i am facing are precisely because i am having trouble staying in the here and now. i have felt these before, especially in early recovery, when there was not enough time, to do everything that i NEEDED to do, because i had to make up for lost time, and once i caught up, sometime in the tomorrow that never arrives, i could chill, have a bit of down time and relax. i learned a very difficult lesson, namely that i DO NOT have to get everything done today. applying that lesson to today? well as long as i stay in the pushme-pullyou world, i will be incapable of enjoying what is going on in my life. i will continue to miss the opportunities to find a modicum of joy, discover something i find rewarding and be present with those who are part of my NOW.
so my sponsee that is spinning himself, trying to make up for lost time? well i guess, after giving him a few suggestions, it is better to just him find for himself that being busy does not mean that one has a full life, and that no matter how much you cram into a day, lost time is just that FOREVER LOST. the former sponsee, who is trying to talk to me? well today might just be the day for me to grow a pair and let him no, that no more, means no more. i owe him absolutely nothing, and that it sis on my time, not his, that we will talk. no more will i be held hostage by a using addict, who is on the verge of a bottom deeper and darker than he ever faced before.
today, however, it is time to get in the shower and head on over to work. it is a good day to be clean, and i am not buying any train tickets for anyone to go anywhere, as that is the part of me, who clings to my past, trying to salvage something that no longer exists.

∞ DT ∞