โ thoughts of how bad it was - or could be - โ
Posted: Wed, Oct 29, 2014 07:48:24 AM
can consume my hopes for recovery. once again into my pit of cynicism i dive, and who knows if i will come out with daisies and rainbows, or something not as attractive.
the reading this morning, could be seen as being about adjusting how i see the world, by focusing on the here and now. i get that, but sometimes, there is certainly more going on in my life than can be summarized in 300 words about a spiritual notion. as i sat last night, and went over my inventory, it discovered that i could find no joy in my life for yesterday. reflecting on that fact this morning, as i sat quietly, i began to realize that this in between world of leaving one job and starting another, is having a much greater effect on my serenity and general outlook, than i was aware of, up until quite recently, as within the past 90 minutes. it is because of this looking back, looking ahead paradigm, that i am feeling antsy and yes a little put out. it is all retrospect at one job and all speculation and anticipation at the job i take on Monday. so i am sort of lost in limbo land of the here and now. which quite nicely brings me to the reading.
the feelings i am facing are precisely because i am having trouble staying in the here and now. i have felt these before, especially in early recovery, when there was not enough time, to do everything that i NEEDED to do, because i had to make up for lost time, and once i caught up, sometime in the tomorrow that never arrives, i could chill, have a bit of down time and relax. i learned a very difficult lesson, namely that i DO NOT have to get everything done today. applying that lesson to today? well as long as i stay in the pushme-pullyou world, i will be incapable of enjoying what is going on in my life. i will continue to miss the opportunities to find a modicum of joy, discover something i find rewarding and be present with those who are part of my NOW.
so my sponsee that is spinning himself, trying to make up for lost time? well i guess, after giving him a few suggestions, it is better to just him find for himself that being busy does not mean that one has a full life, and that no matter how much you cram into a day, lost time is just that FOREVER LOST. the former sponsee, who is trying to talk to me? well today might just be the day for me to grow a pair and let him no, that no more, means no more. i owe him absolutely nothing, and that it sis on my time, not his, that we will talk. no more will i be held hostage by a using addict, who is on the verge of a bottom deeper and darker than he ever faced before.
today, however, it is time to get in the shower and head on over to work. it is a good day to be clean, and i am not buying any train tickets for anyone to go anywhere, as that is the part of me, who clings to my past, trying to salvage something that no longer exists.
the reading this morning, could be seen as being about adjusting how i see the world, by focusing on the here and now. i get that, but sometimes, there is certainly more going on in my life than can be summarized in 300 words about a spiritual notion. as i sat last night, and went over my inventory, it discovered that i could find no joy in my life for yesterday. reflecting on that fact this morning, as i sat quietly, i began to realize that this in between world of leaving one job and starting another, is having a much greater effect on my serenity and general outlook, than i was aware of, up until quite recently, as within the past 90 minutes. it is because of this looking back, looking ahead paradigm, that i am feeling antsy and yes a little put out. it is all retrospect at one job and all speculation and anticipation at the job i take on Monday. so i am sort of lost in limbo land of the here and now. which quite nicely brings me to the reading.
the feelings i am facing are precisely because i am having trouble staying in the here and now. i have felt these before, especially in early recovery, when there was not enough time, to do everything that i NEEDED to do, because i had to make up for lost time, and once i caught up, sometime in the tomorrow that never arrives, i could chill, have a bit of down time and relax. i learned a very difficult lesson, namely that i DO NOT have to get everything done today. applying that lesson to today? well as long as i stay in the pushme-pullyou world, i will be incapable of enjoying what is going on in my life. i will continue to miss the opportunities to find a modicum of joy, discover something i find rewarding and be present with those who are part of my NOW.
so my sponsee that is spinning himself, trying to make up for lost time? well i guess, after giving him a few suggestions, it is better to just him find for himself that being busy does not mean that one has a full life, and that no matter how much you cram into a day, lost time is just that FOREVER LOST. the former sponsee, who is trying to talk to me? well today might just be the day for me to grow a pair and let him no, that no more, means no more. i owe him absolutely nothing, and that it sis on my time, not his, that we will talk. no more will i be held hostage by a using addict, who is on the verge of a bottom deeper and darker than he ever faced before.
today, however, it is time to get in the shower and head on over to work. it is a good day to be clean, and i am not buying any train tickets for anyone to go anywhere, as that is the part of me, who clings to my past, trying to salvage something that no longer exists.
∞ DT ∞