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of how great things could be. i know, not a seed that inspires hope of promises a **positive** look at my world this morning. what i **heard** as i sat this morning, was not about the world as it really is, but the distorted view i take on, because i am who i am. fantasy is always where i want to go, especially when i am facing choices i would rather not make. i came to recovery with a fantasy about what i expected life to look like. those early days of looking at abstinence as a punishment for being “bad” and waiting for the day that freed me from that particular “prison.” the fantasy i was living in those days, was the notion that i was NOT an addict. i was different from the members in the room and i was “better” at using than they were. it was, after all, a rat that ended my run.
these days, my fantasizes basically run towards one in which it rains tens of thousands of dollars and all my troubles will be over. searching the desert for manna seems to have become my favorite pastime and when i am out walking, when that fantasy arises, my concentration fails and my speed drops down to mere strolling, instead of the cardio workout i truly desire. it is difficult for me to see myself as a “dreamer,” but the reality of who i am, is exactly that -- a dreamer. i have come to see that the cynic in me, is the opposite of the dreamer and by definition, one defines the other. both of those create who i am and to favor one over the other, is to invite an imbalance into my life.
when i step out of my delusional fantasies and see my dreams in real time, the fact that i DESIRE an easy way out of debt, is not really part of the corpus of my dreams, it is just a diversion and a distraction. it is true, that would be nice and i will keep buying lottery tickets in a haphazard manner, but i will no longer stake my feelings about who i am on having a huge bank account and a perfect credit rating. i can quite easily see that being a success is more than dollar signs and toys, at least for me. having the trust of others as well as a spiritual path that finally fits, is evidence that i am becoming less delusional than before i got clean and certainly less delusional than before i finally owned the STEP ONE.
will i get a workout in today? well not the one i desire, i will have to use the Rec Center and a machine to do so. can i pay my bills today? why, yes i can. can i stay tobacco free today? well that may take some doing, but there is certainly a path to doing so. will i live a program of active recovery, no matter what? that is a choice i can make and the answer is yes i can and will. i do have a POWER in my life that provides me the power to stay clean, if i allow IT to work, and just for today, i will invite IT into my life to allow me to live my dreams and leave my delusional fantasies behind.

∞ DT ∞