Blog entry for:

me much good to pretend i am not lost, in a physical, spiritual and yes even literal sense. pride has more than once stopped me from seeking direction, as if stumbling around in circles, without a clue is a good look for anyone, least of all me. GPS and a smart phone takes care of the physical and literal sense of being lost, but can hardly help me in the spiritual sense. one of the reasons i changed sponsors was not because i was not getting what i needed form my old sponsor, it was because i felt i was hiding behind texts and phone calls. i lacked a direction and needed some feedback from a man i trusted and yet i would not ask nor make the journey south to actually see him face-to-face. i had a shit ton of excuses, rationalizations and justifications and like an asshole, all of them stank. most of all, i was in denial about how lost i really was, as i learn to navigate becoming comfortable with who i have not been.
moving forward into the now, i am feeling a little less lost and discovered a packet of grief that came charging out of the void this morning. as i move more into forgiving my Mom, i am missing her more and more. this may actually be the start of my healing process. i know i have said i forgave her, but i actually think i am, for the first, actually doing so. it is freeing to be out from under the burden of that resentment. as the holiday season approaches and i feel the loss more and more, i will not be surprised if there are more instances of this emotion surfacing. anyhow, i need to get moving into my day and i am far too distracted by work to be present for this. so it is off to see what the 'hood has to offer, as i do my tour of the morning.

∞ DT ∞