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the fantasy? that everything in my life can and will go my way. the reality? i have issues at work that are causing me to work late and pay far too much attention to finding what it is that is going wrong. the fantasy is that i can get paid for doing nothing and the reality is that when stuff goes wrong, it is up to me to look for a cause and correct it. this should play nicely into my “need” to “fix” things, but it has grown tiresome and i am weary of the endless meetings and questions, from on-high and from the client. which seems to illustrate, at least to me, that what i “think” is challenging and exciting can soon become drudgery. after working late last night, i chose to sleep in a bit and as a result, got that extra hour of sleep that i needed to be at m,y best today. perhaps, today will be the day i GET to actually have a bit of free time this afternoon. that may be an unmet expectation, but since i decided i would be “grumpy,” less of the time, i certainly have been. it is nice being freed from the slavery of reactions to the events of the day. well perhaps freedom is too strong of a word and borders on fantasy. better put, i can choose to react and make myself miserable, so it freedom to choose actions to the events that comprise the reality of my daily life. here is where i insert a bit of fantasy, by prefacing the next statement with: “it would be nice IF…”
of course it would be, and if that happens i can have a moment of respite from the toils and troubles that i choose to turn into really BIG things. the fact that i can turn minor irritations and what i am expected to do at work, into catastrophes, is a symptom of my inability to distinguish between reality and fantasy, even after a few days clean. perhaps my late night will pay dividends this morning and the outcome will be exactly what i desired, perhaps not. what i do know is that IF i do not want to pay the nicotine tax at work, then i have to stop smoking. if i do not want my life to spin down the tubes into the smoky haze of active addiction, then i need to live an active program. if i want my resting pulse rate top continue to hover in the low 60's and upper 50's and my “spare tire” to continue to shrink, then i need to keep running. that is just how things work. i cannot wish myself into a fantasy world, but i can improve my real world by using the little power i have and applying it to my life, just for today.

∞ DT ∞