Blog entry for:

by maintaining my recovery, just for today, i can avoid creating problems in the future. living in the here and now, a great topic for any day, however not what i heard this morning when i took the time to listen. some lingering business, that will lead into what it was that i did hear. i know lately i have been struggling with a certain substance soon to become legally acceptable, as well as more socially acceptable. the other night, when i was reviewing my day, i had a moment of insight, and what it all goes back to is: euphoric recall. that substance was not only the trigger that started me on the path to active addiction, it was an event that twenty five years of using tried to recreate. the fantasy of how my first time supposedly felt, was what kept me using and pushing ever harder for that one substance,m that one delivery method, or any combination thereof, that would recreate that very first time.. i know now, that i can never have that inexpert again, and even though one may argue, that stuff is so much more… today, nothing will ever be able to touch what i think i remember about the first time.
yes, you read that correctly. in my head what happened that night, more than likely varies greatly from reality. it was after all, the crossing of a threshold for me, and everything from that nanosecond on, is subject to revision by the part of me i call addiction. that revisionist look at my life, continues to this day. my foil to that creative misremembering is the steps, and the program of the fellowship that has given me this new way of living. yes, i NEED a real sponsor and nut the ghost of one that has gone to the next phase in their existence. yes i need a set of steps that focuses on freedom from addiction, over which i have no power, rather than a substance or behavior. and yes, i NEED to be grounded in a program of active recovery, because if i do not, i will certainly switch chairs on the Titanic, fins a sponsor to co-sign my bullshit and be at the dispensary tomorrow with my $90 check ion hand, because of course i cannot wait for the 65 days or so. and i will get 6 additional months of “sobriety,” because in that fellowship what and when i used it is important.
ah the consequences of allowing myself to dwell in the fantasies of what could be, when the future, while uncertain, does not look anything like that, at all. no, just for today, i think i will take care of myself, live a program of active recovery, and stay in the middle of the pack. my insane reservation? well based on my past history, i know what will happen if i try and recreate that first high. i will end up exactly where i was, when i walked into the rooms, and today i do not want to recreate that path to desperation.

∞ DT ∞