Some memes

more than once, that i cannot save my face and my ass at the same time, i can see that if i try to save face while i help an addict, i will not do a very good job doing either. with that in mind, as i never know who reads this stuff or if they get anything out of my mind-dumpery, i have to say, i am not panicked by my impending unemployment but more than a little bit concerned about my elevated PSA number of 9.05. i switched from a passive job search to an active one this morning, but when i consider what i am up against, there is no angst or anxiety filling my present moment. i do have some power here, as i can start to click on the one-click apply buttons on the job boards. the latter, however, is something i am so freaking powerless over, that at times it feels more than a bit overwhelming and the fact that my appointment with my Urologist is two weeks away, feels chasm-like and beyond my ability to bridge. i may not want to use, but i certainly want to find the ways and means to remove what i am feeling about that.
once upon a time, i would have kept how i felt about both of those facts of life i am facing, deep down in a sealed vault. feelings, i was told, were for those who were weak and feeble men. real men, do not let anything show, as anything that may slip out can and will be used against me. the return to that sort of toxic masculinity, which seems all the rage in some circles these days, is not anywhere i want to return to. that culture, nearly killed me and certainly made me less healthy than i could have been. i am not blaming that culture for my addiction, but it certainly led to looking for a way to reconcile what i was feeling and what i “needed” to show the world. getting high, did not remove that dissonance in my soul, but for a small slice of time, it prevented me from being overwhelmed by it.
i have often said that using worked until the very end and that i enjoyed the living crap out of getting high. i am starting to wonder if that is just another lie i have told myself often enough that it has taken on the patina of being true. it is not anything that i am going to obsess about today, but that is certainly a bit of food for thought, as i move forward.
it is a great day to be clean and on this side of the grass, although i have “issues” it is a good day to let go, work on allowing my third step to work me over and see where i end up when this day is over. right here and right now, it is time to be off to the streets to get my daily training work out under my sneakers. life is good and i am well, just for today.

∞ DT ∞