Some memes

of meaning and purpose in sharing my recovery with other addicts, was hardly was i was all about, back in those early days of my recovery. certainly not when i was merely abstinent and even after i came to recovery, that was slow in coming. even today i question what i offer when i share my recovery with my peers. the conclusion i come to on most days, is that as long as i am sharing from my heart and my head AND i still have connections to those around me, i must be doing something correctly. well, actually it is way more than that. when i “retired” i thought my life had lost purpose and meaning. i did not retire from recovery, but from the working world and was uncertain how i was going to live comfortably. these days, the comfortable part still makes me concerned from time to time, but my meaning and purpose no longer require employment for forty hours a week. sure i have a part-time job that has been consuming more of my time than i wanted it to do, but that may be changing.
i am not all that happy marinating in my FIFTH STEP as my sponsor puts it. it is, however, not killing me and i really have no desire to jump into STEP SIX. what it means today, however, is all sorts of irrelevant distractions bubbled up through the void and i am not quite sure why that is, after so many days of enjoying the quiet. what i think is happening, is exactly that, i am distracting myself from feeling the effects of my FIFTH STEP and my desire to move into my SIXTH. i am awfully good at distracting myself and even though voicing my fears out loud took some of the power away, they still are there, waiting to pop up and, well one know what happens when i fall prey to my fears and it is very rarely pretty or inconsequential. so it is off to my home group and into this Saturday i go.

∞ DT ∞