๐ i certainly was ๐
Posted: Sat, Apr 12, 2025 09:04:46 AM
one of those, who struggled with it all. i did not believe, but i did not, not believe. this morning as i looked back through my journey to arriving at a spiritual path that fit me, not one that looked like those i thought my peers had, nor one that was an “thought exercise,” i can see that, whatever it took it was both necessary and sufficient for me to find that place. back in the day, i often said i was this or that, focusing on the path i finally took, but in reality scared out of my ever-loving mind to move away from the spiritual path that is prevalent in my culture. i certainly got a participation trophy for meditating as it took fifteen years of doing it nearly every day, for five minutes, until i could actually meditate.
there is a certain sense of wonderment i felt as i sat this morning. how can someone, such as myself, cynical, doubting and smart, succumb to the spiritual part of this program of recovery? if one believed in miracles, that might be the answer. if one believed in cultist brainwashing, that too may suffice to answer that question. i can see elements of both in my background, peer pressure to find a spiritual path is certain;y part and parcel of 12 step recovery communities. i still, however, have the ability to take a critical look at FAITH and my beliefs, and when i say the POWER that fuels my recovery, i really do not understand what that POWER, may or may not be, it simply is. coming to believe that POWER can restore me to sanity is, however, a different matter. i am beginning to allow myself the freedom to pause before i judge and take the time to sit and think, before i jump. that may be glimmers of some sort of relief from my current version of insanity, or not.
this morning, as i wrap this up and get ready to shower off and head on over to Boulder for my home group, i can say that i am grateful for a spiritual path that guides me towards be more than i ever believed i could be. sure i am still judgmental, and certainly can be a dickhead asshole, from time to time. the facts of my life, however, i have a choice today, whether or not to go down those paths towards chaos and confusion or walk in the light of my values, just for today.
there is a certain sense of wonderment i felt as i sat this morning. how can someone, such as myself, cynical, doubting and smart, succumb to the spiritual part of this program of recovery? if one believed in miracles, that might be the answer. if one believed in cultist brainwashing, that too may suffice to answer that question. i can see elements of both in my background, peer pressure to find a spiritual path is certain;y part and parcel of 12 step recovery communities. i still, however, have the ability to take a critical look at FAITH and my beliefs, and when i say the POWER that fuels my recovery, i really do not understand what that POWER, may or may not be, it simply is. coming to believe that POWER can restore me to sanity is, however, a different matter. i am beginning to allow myself the freedom to pause before i judge and take the time to sit and think, before i jump. that may be glimmers of some sort of relief from my current version of insanity, or not.
this morning, as i wrap this up and get ready to shower off and head on over to Boulder for my home group, i can say that i am grateful for a spiritual path that guides me towards be more than i ever believed i could be. sure i am still judgmental, and certainly can be a dickhead asshole, from time to time. the facts of my life, however, i have a choice today, whether or not to go down those paths towards chaos and confusion or walk in the light of my values, just for today.
∞ DT ∞