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that fuels my recovery, i know i will be able to trust care of that POWER.
this morning, i keep hearing one of the men i sponsor, tell me that the whole notion of HIGHER POWER goes against all that he is, in fact his words were: “against the core of my being.”
his reaction, is mine, or was mine, way back when, and i am not about to go the direction my first sponsor had me go, all those days ago. forcing him into a box of beliefs that are not his, just to expedite the process, is not in the cards today. as a result, his other complaint of moving too slowly through the steps, may become part of his every day life on the outs, as there is no compromise here. he must find some sort of power, and until he opens his mind to the possibility of such a concept, he will be blocked from the rest of the steps.
i remember the day my first sponsor pushed me into a box, and a belief structure that i could not accept and the feelings of inadequacy and shame, that are still part of my experience, when i think back about that process. inadequacy, because i went somewhere that was against the core of my being and shame, because until right now, i have never owned that feeling. I CAVED and although it looked like surrender, it was as far from that as ice is from steam.
he is on hiatus from step work right now, as his life is about to get tossed. freedom from incarceration, brings enough challenges, without adding this journey on top. the truth is, even though i swallowed the poison, when it was offered all those days ago, and then spent the next 4 years, taking the antidote, i stayed clean and i even thrived, so in the long run, it was not that bad of a decision, and a decision made from desperation in the early days of recovery, more than likely saved my life.
now that i am a bit healthier, i can take the time to walk away from all of that, and see that the shame i felt and the inadequacy i still feel, are pert of what keeps me from thriving in my recovery. in this instance, faking it until a made it, was not a good thing, even though the end result is beyond my wildest dreams. i can remember going through the motions, the ritualistic posturing and the words i used, as if this was something i believed and not thinking twice about it. the message i was sending myself, was not that i needed to look at possibilities, but i had to swallow this pill, bitter and ginormous as it was, whole and without question.
today, now that i have a bit of recovery, i can see that for what it was, yet another desperate attempt to fit in, even though it was not required. i am not a “GOD” guy and at the rate i am evolving, i doubt i will ever be. what i do accept and make the cornerstone of my FAITH is that there is a POWER that keeps me clean and fuels my recovery. that POWER may or may not be listening to me, but IT continues to provide what i need to this day. i may ascribe what others say and do to that POWER telling me the direction i need to take in life, but whether IT is communicating or i am touching the amazing and divine part within, does not matter. my experience is that IF i allow myself to open my mind, i see the most amazing things, things and events that are beyond my explanation and defy any rational thought process. GOD? maybe, certainly stuff beyond my ken, and the scientist, humanist and rational person that is me can accept it at that level and move on.
where will i guide my sponsee? dunno and today i do not care, as it it is not something i have to face today. when that bridge looms in the foreground, i am certain i will know how to proceed, until that moment, it is a great day to be on this side of the lawn and clean with the desire to be more, firmly entrenched in my mind.

∞ DT ∞