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or do i? that is really the question. i may say that i do believe this when asked, there are times however when my behavior might be interpreted to the contrary, vis-a-vis i am acting as if i DO NOT believe that i will be cared for by the POWER that fuels my recovery. the question therefore becomes do i believe RIGHT NOW? anything else is irrelevant anyhow, as i have believed in the past and i may believe again in the future. this is, after all, a living in the moment kind of question.
so right now, i can say i do believe based on the evidence of my life to date. somehow i made it through active addiction despite doing stuff like free-climbing the THIRD FLATIRON intoxicated with a friend on my birthday way back in those days. it is ironic that i think of that incident when describing some of the evidence that i use to convince myself that there is a POWER caring for me. as i think back, i can remember that day quite clearly. it was a perfect April day, sunny warm and calm, and my friend Jim and i got it in our heads, while having some pre-noon libations that we could free-climb the face of the 3rd Flatiron in Boulder. so off we went, of course, we had to get some more substances on-board before embarking up the trail to the rock face. on the way there we decided that we would get on the face about three quarters of the way up to the top. so off we went. we never did make the very top of that rock face, the wind picked-up and the clouds rolled in, and we nearly killed ourselves trying to get off that rock face. sitting here. writing about that incident today, is evidence that there was some POWER caring for me that day, even though i did not believe, nor would i have acknowledged it back then.
so why, in the face of all sorts of evidence like that, do i ever waver in my belief? i know that i have this image of being a rational, intellectual type built up in my head. and the whole being cared for by the POWER that fuels my recovery, just flies in the face of that image. the other day the message was be who i am, and who i am is that rational, intellectual person, who happens to believe that there is a POWER caring for him. as disconnected as that sounds, that is becoming my reality, and as such needs to be put in to practice in my daily life.
with that in mind, the time has come to move forward into this day, a shower and a shave, then off to a smoke-filled room to do some work, and who knows maybe stir up some chaos and dissension, as that too is part of me still. life is good today, and it is a great day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞