Blog entry for:

nothing changes! i have been toying with the idea over the past twenty-four hours that my resolve to let go is being put to the test. although having my FAITH and TRUST tested by my HIGHER POWER is not part of my belief structure, it feels like something is saying, "so you wanna let go? here let me give you something a bit more difficult!" and then i have yet another thing that is just a bit more heinous to let go of.
although this may make me feel better and shift the blame away from my self-will, i do not actually believe that this is what is occurring. what is really happening is probably my self-will giving its last struggles to make me see things as unacceptable and give yet another excuse to act-out and apply my self-will to situations that i have no business even dealing with. i am learning that i can trust in the care of my HIGHER POWER to provide for my needs even though my wants, which i perceive as my needs are not necessarily being met.
truthfully, i did a bit of step work last night and i was amazed at the number of reservations that i still have about my decision to surrender my will and my life into the care of my HIGHER POWER. when i was last finishing a third step, i probably answered the question about reservations saying i had none.
but i digress....
the reading was about TRUSTING in the care of GOD and this morning i am finally reaching the point that i can begin to once again trust in that care. it is funny how when i got clean, i jumped at the chance to give up my will and my life into that care and here i am three thousand and one days later, fighting the process. it is almost as knowledge and recovery are allies of the part of me i call my disease and that i have lost the FAITH to TRUST what is within me.
interesting thought.....
but anyway, i think i will work on rebuilding my TRUST in GOD, finish my step work and move along. after all there really is nothing here to see! just another fucking opportunity for growth! DAMMIT!
∞ DT ∞