Blog entry for:

a Higher Power will care for me, i may miss out on something as essential to recovery as breathing is to life itself.
to be honest, the idea behind this reading is a tough nit for me to crack these days. ever since the 11th step tossed my nice and neat definitions of the order of life the universe and everything like a Caesar salad, i have been trying to ignore bringing this particular concept into my life. oh it is not that i doubt that a will be taken care of, if i ask, it is just difficult for me to ascribe human characteristics to what i have come to understand a HIGHER POWER to be. that understanding went from a very concrete structure to one without any structure or even a face, and yet i feel comforted by making such a leap. going from knowing to not having much of a clue. going from certainty, to a tenuous accommodation of what i see and what i am coming to believe. this second step will certainly be most interesting as i work it from this new vantage point.
anyhow, all of this cosmological fluff is just diverting me from what my true task is here this morning, how do i reconcile a very basic tenet of the program that keeps me clean into this new structure that lacks anything resembling the HIGHER POWER i have come to rely upon? well now here i where the tough part comes in for me -- a LEAP OF FAITH! although loving and caring may no longer describe any part of the POWER i get what i need from, i have to nevertheless TRUST that POWER to provide me the stuff that i NEED to survive and thrive. i can look back over my past and see that even in times of my greatest doubt, and my most vocal and vehement denial of any sort of POWER undetectable to any of my senses, i still GOT what i NEEDED, even if it was not what i WANTED. so what i believe has no effect whatsoever on what i get. if i need not believe to be cared for, then no matter what i feel the nature of that POWER to be, i will get what i NEED. therefore i can walk in FAITH and ask for what i think i NEED and be present for the answer as it is revealed through the events in my life. i am not speaking of omens or signs here, i am speaking of what happens and who happens in my moment by moment existence. i get what i NEED whether or not i listen BUT i can get what i WANT by being present and taking the opportunities as they are presented to me. so by surrendering my will and my life into the care of a POWER, i can continue my journey to be made whole again.
so after all those mental gymnastics i do believe i will retire to the basement and get some physical activity under my belt, after all the footwork to a healthier me does include physical changes in my routine as well as spiritual changes i am physical as well as a spiritual being living in a mundane world. time to render unto Caesar that which is his.

∞ DT ∞