Blog entry for:

my relationship with my concept of a HIGHER POWER, i will have no problem.
well i actually was going to use more of a direct quote this morning, but decided to use it as a springboard into the nature of surrendering self-will into the care of a loving HIGHER POWER. so without going into a soapbox about how much and certainly when and where i foster my relationship with the POWER THAT KEEPS ME CLEAN AND PROVIDES FOR ALL MY NEEDS, i will say that i do work on this relationship on a continuous basis, even when i am pissed-off at that POWER or feeling unworthy of allowing that POWER to care for me. those two instances are rare occurrences these days, what is most likely the case is that i think that i can solve my way out of being stressed or panicked through sheer force of my will. regardless of the evidence to the contrary that taking a quick inventory, as suggested in the reading, would provide. after all i do not have the time, to look over the number of times that i was cared for by POWERS beyond my ken. i hate to say it BUT, my FAITH is based on the evidence that is readily accessible to me in the here and now. that evidence is not hard to come by, and i do not need to spin that information to see that i have been cared for, and provided for, no matter what state i happened to be in at that time. after all, i never had a fatal accident while driving, i never had a fatal overdose while using and i never had a fatal violent incident while i was in places that i did not belong. in recovery, that evidence is even stronger and as the list is quite extensive, i will not detail it here. and yet, when i am stressed, all of that flies out the window and i am once again trying to live in self-will.
so what does all this mean? well for one, it means that regardless of how diligent i work on a relationship, there is always more work to do. it also means that as i progress up the path of recovery, and as i accumulate a string of days that is beyond my wildest imaginings, i need to pause before acting and allow that POWER the chance to provide the guidance i need. i need to move into FAITH that what i happen to need in this situation will be provided as long as i allow it the chance to be revealed. the hope in all of this? well even though i have some clean time, and even though i am still a human being and an addict, i can move beyond the limits imposed on myself by my self-will, and learn how to walk with a connection to the divine. so off to put that into practice!

∞ DT ∞