Some memes

it said more than once that recovery does not happen in a vacuum and the first time i heard it, i really did not have a clue what it meant. i came to the rooms to get out of legal trouble and to learn how to use like gentleman, you know, without consequences. the last thing i desired was community, friends or extended periods of clean time. it is true that if that was all i wanted, that could have been all that i actually received. ironically, no matter how hard i tried to get my ass out of the rooms, the stronger the desire to have a new life seemed to grow. the cognitive dissonance between what i thought i desired and what was happening to my attitude about recovery was nearly intolerable, and yet i persisted in working to get myself out of the rooms and back in the “life.” after eighteen months of floating through mere abstinence and not being able to use when i wanted to, i finally resolved to give this recovery gig a try, sort of and half heartedly, but at least i was going to make a minimal effort.
as i proceeded to give a fuck about recovery, i realized that even though i had already heard everything i needed to do to stay clean, i did not have any idea how to put it into action. that is when i figured there was no way i could do this myself. of course, asking for help was the very last thing i wanted to ask for even though i could see that it was the only way through to getting clean and finding a new manner in which to live.
after a minute clean, i still wonder how the heck i ever got past the point of no return in my recovery journey. even way back when, i saw the power of one addict helping another and i still believe that today, even though the show is on the other foot these days. i can only stay clean by giving away the not so secret sauce that has brought me to where i am today. the power of one addict helping another is truly without parallel and having found my tribe, i try my best to maintain my place in it. i know my peeps have my back and i have their backs as well. when i go crazy and tell on myself, they understand and laugh with me, when share my insanity or provide comfort when that is what is needed. i never had either of that before recovery and am grateful that i am not recovering in a vacuum, just for today.

∞ DT ∞