Blog entry for:

until i fully accept the depth of my own powerlessness over addiction.
so one of the men who i sponsor has told me more than once that he **forgets** how bad active addiction really is, and what the consequences always are for him, once he uses. i have some trouble getting that notion, as he never seems to accumulate much more than a year at any time, and only when he is incarcerated can he accomplish that feat.
what i take away from that is a bit of contrast to my own life, not being a member of the just for tomorrow club, yet, i have often wondered how i do it. oh i say the same thing, i do what i was told to do, back in those very first ninety days of actual recovery and not what i thought i heard when i could not even get thirty days of clean time. that much is true, but for someone who entered this path with no desire to stay clean, very little honest, a closed mind and the willingness to do anything to avoid going to prison, the fact that i am still here feels like some sort of cosmic prank. seriously, why am i here and why do i keep doing what i have been doing, when the overwhelming evidence is that I can stay clean for long periods of time? how did i arrive at the state of mind, that i am powerless over addiction and IF i want to keep on getting the gifts of recovery, i have to keep on doing that same mundane stuff, i learned those many days ago?
the topic at hand, however, is NOT the notion of powerlessness, even though it is at the root of all things that are my recovery. no the topic at hand, is the whole concept of GOD and what it means to me today. there are men in my life that are freaking JESUS freaks, and with 45 days clean to hear them preach down from their high horse certainly fills me with revulsion, especially when history shows that their abstinence always starts that way and sooner or later fades as the zeal they feel today, being better than everyone else, fades as they realize they are still only as good as the resat of us. for me, i find that those who struggle coming to terms with their powerlessness and concepts of a HIGHER POWER, seem to have a stronger recovery program in the long run. of course, that is where my bias shows, as that is the course my path of recovery has run. today, the GROUP, as well as my peers in recovery are the instrument through which i hear the voice of the POWER that fuels my recovery. my job therefore comes down to being a part of that group and listening carefully to what is being said. over the past week, more than once, my plans of what i was going to do, have been altered by something i heard another one of this select group say, and as a result, i got yet another gift of recovery. in fact, as loath as i am to say it, the religious zealot, who knows everything he needs to know about recovery, even though he is on his umpteenth forty-fifth day, has said something i needed to hear in the past 24 hours. what i heard, was that i was not immune to thinking i have this down and closing my mind off to what i need to do, what i heard was even though i have completed the cycle of steps, more than once, i still need to be an active part of my recovery. the only thing that separates me from him, is a program of active recovery, in a single fellowship, where the whole of me is treated and not just my overwhelming desire to use drugs. this morning, i do not know what it is that i will need to stay clean today, so once again i ask the POWER that fuels my recovery, to give me that, just for today. those examples of how not to do it? well. they provide me the inspiration to accept all that i can accept, and have a bit of FAITH and HOPE, that i will get what i need. so it is off to the Eastern Plains for some face time with a fellow traveler that is about to have a major shift in his life. my job, listen, learn and answer anything i can to the best of my ability, just for today.

∞ DT ∞