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cannot be conditional on the actions of someone else. when i worked my first **real** NINTH STEP, it was all about how good i would feel when someone said those magic words: you are forgiven. when my ex-wife would not even talk to me, in fact she more or less told me to fVck off, when i asked to make my amends to her, i felt like crap. i used that as evidence that i was not worthy of being forgiven and was still the same piece of sh!t i was when i walked into the rooms. my sponse at that time was not all that well-versed in how to handle the self-esteem issues i was facing as he had enough demons of his own. after moving on to my grand-sponsor, who is my sponsor today, i learned how to treat myself with a bit of respect, even when i did not feel as if i deserved to be respected.
it is not as if my current sponsor lifted the lid on my feelings and allowed me to be genuine in one fell swoop. it still took a decade for me to feel good enough about who i was becoming to let go of the image i had built in the fellowship and follow a spiritual path that fit the person i had always been. it was another decade before i finally let go of my secret shame, embraced the person i have always been and started to figure out who that person, just might be. one might say i am a slow learner, but as my i have heard in the rooms more than once, “recovery is not a race.” i was just sicker than some of my peers and it took me longer to strip away the layers of grunge that i had purposely encased my real self within, over the course of time.
as i consider my interactions with my addict niece, i see that her entitlement and need of approval to boost her self-worth, were the two aspects of her life that really tripped my trigger. i had the desire to return that state of being, after all, when i was there, i was untouchable and unapproachable and quite content being that way. i also remember how envious i was of those around me, that had actual lives and did more than exist for day to day. today, i find gratitude in the fact that i can choose to merely exist or i can thrive. that was a choice i never had in the past. i know i am worthy of forgiving and being forgiven and my self-worth is no longer based in what others may think. when i own a wrong or make an amends, the other party may benefit, BUT i do it for me, so i can learn the lesson and adopt a manner of living that hopefully will preclude having to clean up the messes i leave behind, as the messes happen less frequently, just for today.

∞ DT ∞