Blog entry for:

the depth of how powerlessness over addiction. i have to admit, this FIRST beat the living snot out me. i was more than ready on Thursday evening to do whatever it took to move along and find just a thimble-full of HOPE. having arrived at STEP TWO, i am certain i am where i NEED to be, but uncertain about commencing the work, because i am unsure how it will turn out. i am at the point where FEAR is stronger than HOPE and as i waffle between moving forward and pretending there is nothing to see here, i find myself thinking far too much, and not feeling my way through to the next right thing nearly enough. i might have the desire to grow, but the willingness to take action has not filled my heart quite yet. the relief i felt at being done with STEP ONE, is just enough to keep me from moving forward, today. what does any of this have to do with using the group as the POWER that keeps me clean? quite a bit actually.
right here and right now, i am coming to terms with what is and what is not, in my spiritual path. prayer is not traditionally part of that path, but meditation certainly is. listening for the next right thing to do with my heart and not my head, is part of the awakening i had in that last set of steps, even though the focus was all about my identity after service. as i grow into my new spiritual identity, i find places where i rub against the wisdom of the fellowship, and it chafes ever so slightly. i am one of those who desires comfort in all things, i may not have “affluenza,” but i have always sought out the easier, softer and yes, MORE comfortable path. the evidence of that particular statement was in the length of time it took me to open myself to a spiritual path that was not part of the mainstream practices of the fellowship. forcing myself to remain trapped in ideas that were imposed from without, certainly was easier and sifter and for the most part quite comfortable. i did not have to think, i did not have to feel and when i got distressed i could fall back on the cliché: “this too shall pass, all i have to do is let go of it.” the nice part of where i am, is i can finally find the means to bring what my peers tell me, into the spiritual universe as i see it and the dissonance i once felt when speaking in the terms commonly used in the fellowship fades, with each passing day, now that i feel more secure in my path and no long need to pay lip service to theirs, just to be “one of the chosen.”
where am i going today? well with my new found freedom, maybe i will fart a daisy or two at my home group. i certainly am still lighter of spirit today and when i arrive home his afternoon, hopefully i will have enough energy to finish what i started this morning. it is a good day to be clean and just for today a good one to actively participate in.

∞ DT ∞