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of what works, at least in living clean, was not something i possessed when i entered the rooms. i was full of reservations and anger, and sought out anything that would cull me from the **herd.** part of my **cherry-picking** process was learning to deal with all the **religious** stuff i heard, or at least thought i heard, after all i was too smart to fall into the **religion trap.** moving beyond the notion that this was some sort of cult, designed to strip me of my ability to critically think, was a journey that i have documented many times in the past, and really does not need to be revisited today. the fact is, that was where i was and yet here i am, decades later, clean and thoroughly content to be a part of what i once resisted with every fiber of my being.
in these times, where isolation and staying in are the norm, the groups are more important to me than ever before. i am not one of those who attended more than one or two meetings a week, back in pre-pandemic times. i had found that for the most part, i did not hear what i wanted to hear and my expectations were not being me, by the vast majority of the meetings i attended. i swear i was ready to puke if i heard one more time how “proud” a newcomer was to have 30, 60 or 90 days clean and patted themselves on the back for being so “strong.” do not get me wrong, i believe that 30, 60 and 90 days clean is a huge accomplishment and one that deserves recognition. my issue, from this side of recovery is :“great, you have some time, now move beyond staying clean and start learning to live a program.” in my earlier days, i would have said that flat-out and never looked back. i am kinder and a bit gentler these days, but one thing i do not compromise on, is the definition of what it means to be clean. i have worked with men that needed to take psyche meds and have seen a psychotic break, because they decided to take a “vacation” from what they prescribed. i have worked with men that had debilitating injuries or major surgeries and required doctor prescribed pain medication. as a result of that experience i have a bit more kindness in that regard. as medically indicated medication is part of life on life's terms. i have little sympathy, however, for those who wish to self-medicate for whatever reason. my opinion is quite strong on this point and any person i was working with, who happened to fall into that bucket, would have to start their clean-time over again. that is what i have taken from the group, over the course of my recovery.
on a practical level that plays out with a huge grey area, that may seem confusing to those struggling in early recovery. i do not know how may times i have heard complaints about the hypocrisy in the rooms because of that. why is pain killers, taken as prescribed for the least amount of time possible any different than someone on “d.rug r.eplacement t.herapy?” that is a topic i could write long and quite boring treatises on, and just for today, i will say that DRT, is not clean, but can allow the addict the opportunity to get clean and begin a life in recovery. yes i enjoy a cup of coffee and smoking cigars. yes i know that nicotine and caffeine are mind and mood altering substances. am i going to reset my clean date very morning when i have my morning brew? nope, not going to do it. does it make my a hypocrite? maybe, but just for today, i have the desire to live a program of recovery and it does not appear, in my experience that either of those substances are interfering with my connection to the POWER that fuels my recovery, my peers in the group or the fellowship that has given me this new way of living. i could of course, be delusional. 😎

∞ DT ∞