Blog entry for:

a Higher Power, or anything else — just as long as i find a way to incorporate that Power into my daily life.
so as i sit here this morning, on the bright and shiny Monday morning, wondering about how to fill my day off, i think back to my dissatisfaction with the meeting last night. if that is my HIGHER POWER i am certainly fVcked, based on what i “heard” there last night. my peers, and what they shared, was the focus of my TENTH STEP last night, or rather my intolerance for what they shared, was the focus. it is more than ironic, that the reading is about GOD in and as the GROUP. kind makes my head spin as i try and reconcile what i am feeling, what i judged to be happening, and more importantly where i am going in my recovery journey.
it is true, that i am going to probably have an emotional reaction when someone with five months clean, starts preaching to the “newcomers,” especially when that someone is so whacked out on painkillers that they cannot even keep their jaw from hanging open. i certainly have more than an issue or two about another of my peers, telling me HOW i SHOULD do this recovery thing, when they have yet to complete a single set of TWELVE. as i shared a few weeks ago, in my own home group, it really is NOT their problem, it is mine. i know better than to ask the POWER that fuels my recovery for tolerance. i also am loathe to take a vacation from meetings and i KNOW that what i am hearing is the same everywhere i go, so a geographic meeting change, will still carry the judgmental and intolerant as$$hole that is me, right along, and i am certain i will find more than one thing to hate there as well. so where the fVck does that leave me?
right back at the top, that's where!
starting with the premise that the group is part and parcel of the POWER that fuels my recovery, means that the voice of the group as a whole, must be that POWER speaking to me. the dissonant voices, or at least those i judge to be dissonant are part of that whole, so must also be carrying a message that i am not hearing. am i placing too much power on the messenger and missing the message, because i tune out the second i hear my name is… which would not be a terrible alternative, instead of hearing what they are saying and shredding it to teeny-tiny bits, just because of who they are, and not necessarily what it is they are trying to say. what is it about them, or better put, about me, that causes such a strong revulsion. is it envy and jealousy, because i cannot get away with using and tripping in and out of the rooms of recovery? or maybe because they happen to have a life with no responsibilities and full of entitlements. that certainly is an interesting path for me to explore. jealousy and envy, are just feeling, neither good nor bad, for me they arise out of a couple character defects, my lack of humility being the foremost. when i start comparing and stratifying the world around me, i am always better or worse than someone else, and in this case it certainly is a worse than. i am not worth sharing, because i think i have nothing to add, and they share on and on about their lives, when in my opinion they have nothing to offer. kind of a sick and twisted path into the heart of darkness. the solution, is to allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to speak to me through the group and the meetings i attend, because i am coming to believe that in my case, that is how this gig just works. when the judge, raises his gavel to bring court into session, i can acknowledge that and ask for the power, from the POWER that fuels my recovery, to shut the fVck and listen, and maybe, just maybe if i let go and do that, i will have something to offer from my own Experience, Strength and Hope. believing that somehow, they will miraculously change into paragons of recovery, is no different than believing in Santa God, or the Easter Bunny, beings that lots of people talk about, but no one has yet to see. no the miracle here, will need to happen to me and perhaps this is the start of my process to return to the POWER of the GROUP and accept it oncve again into my life.

∞ DT ∞