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of some Power greater than addiction, is my daily starting point, through the journey i choose to call active recovery. first and foremost, it IS a daily journey that has just happened to stretch across many days in a row. as i sit here today, i realize the weight of that amalgamation of twenty-four hour slices of time, is at times a burden, in several different ways.
first off, there is the notion that i could not stay clean until lunchtime, that described who and what i was, way back when. regardless of all the change that has been manifest as a result of my many little journeys, does that man still exist and is he just waiting for the perfect opportunity to invade my body like some alien force and force me to use against my will? as ridiculous as that sounds, it is often what i hear from my peers, when they share and i wonder is there something i am missing here?
the second part of the burden is that i often wonder how i got here. when one considers that i was a daily user of something and did not believe that i needed any help, because i did not have a problem, how could i have ,manged to stay clean for these journeys of 24 hours? what changed in me, to take away my desire and yes my need to escape each and every day, into so sort of chemical bliss?
the answers to those questions still disturbs part of me in the sense of having to admit, that it certainly is and was not a power i possessed that fuels my recovery and continues to keep me clean. in fact, no human power can keep me clean, as i have seen countless examples of, across the course of my recovery, so now as i gingerly step into the realm of beyond the rational and scientific thought and into meta[physics, i wonder just what sort of bargain i have been party to, since the day i got clean? my end, has been to do whatever it takes to stay clean and some POWER, which i choose to call the POWER that fuels my recovery, provides the strength to do just that. it really is that simple. i may or may not have some grand purpose in life. i may or may not have been speared the ultimate ends of active addiction for a reason. i certainly know this: the will of that POWER is for me to stay clean today, otherwise why would i be here in the first place?
i had the opportunity to walk through how i cam to my notion of a HIGHER POWER with one of the men i sponsor this weekend, and it was more like a story treatment rather than a reference tome. i hit the highlights and left the process in the background, and as i sit here this morning, with Orwell's novel still ringing in my head, i can see that i DO create my own version oft the past and conscious alter the evidence to match my current world view. the FOURTH STEP is the start of that process and by the time i complete the NINTH, my past has been rewritten to take out the emotional reactions of guilt and especially shame. so my journey to a HIGHER POWER, is also fraught with reinterpretations when i think about it too much, so perhaps the thumbnail sketch i gave my sponsee was exactly the next right thing to do. today, i am certain that there is an outside POWER that fuels my recovery. what it is and how ITS will may be expressed is beyond my ken. i do know that when i go to a meeting and actually get past my own bias and prejudice, i actually hear the stuff i need to hear, which is perhaps the voice of that POWER. i am also certain of this: it is my language that determines the direction i go, and just as “newspeak” is the means the PARTY uses to limit depth of thought, expanding my precision in my language, clarifies my thoughts and allows me to grow.
yes everything i know or believe i know may be subject to revision, but the unalterable fact is, through the groups of the fellowship i call my home, i get the guidance i need to foster my spiritual, and emotional growth, one day at a time.

∞ DT ∞