Blog entry for:

acceptance, and healing is the perfect trio to start this day off, at least for me. i have been wondering how to repair the fractured relationship with my one time sponsee who decided to behave his way back into the welcoming arms of the Colorado Department of Corrections. each and every time i get a letter from him, it is the same old tired shit, giving me permission to do what i desire to, attempting to rewrite our past to minimize his actions and justify his less than accurate memories and generally trying to gaslight me into accepting his “version” of the TRUTH. the problem is, i am not buying any of his bullshit and he forgets who i am and what part i played in getting him to where he was in his recovery. his relapse was total and absolute, save for the fact he did not use until he got back to jail and even that “lapse” he now explains away as “treating” his anxiety. what i heard as i sat this morning, is that i am dealing with rebuilding a relationship with an addict who is merely abstinent and is doing his level best to get my approval. he may call it people-pleasing, but it is manipulation, plain and simple, and it is a behavior i am very familiar with, as i know the ins and outs of doing exactly that, painting a picture of the truth that makes me feel better that i feel, by getting the approval of someone else.
after all of that preface, getting into the “meat” of the subject, i see i that my course of action is to forgive him, accept where he is and allow myself to heal. whether or not that allows our relationship to mend or not, is beyond my power. whether or not i can heal is, however, something i do have power over, in fact, opening my mind to the notion that i am where i am supposed to be, accepting that i cannot do for him, what i cannot do for myself and finding a bit of serenity in that fact that perhaps i can forgive, accept and heal by moving forward through the plethora of feelings i am still sorting out. life today, is too damn short for me to be fretting over i can recover a broken relationship when the other party is unwilling to look at their part. as a matter of fact, i really do not much future in continuing down this path, if nothing changes. since i am the only one, who can affect change in my life, i will have to let go and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to provide me with the ways and means to do just that, just for today.

∞ DT ∞