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and means to incorporate the POWER that fuels my recovery into my daily life. i have always been pretty good at blending in, when i choose to do so. living a life where second or third place was acceptable to me, even when i knew that with a bit more effort i could take first place, never prepared me to learn how to respect myself. the litany of excuses, justification and rationalizations, were the easier softer way. finding someone or something to blame, allowed me to play the secret victim for most of my life hardly prepared me to face life on its own terms. so way back when, i was told i needed to surrender my will and my life into the care of a HIGHER POWER, i could play along and “look” like the rest of my peers, spouting off about how grateful i was to have a loving, and merciful GOD in my life. when the events of my life did not match my expectations, i could always say that GOD was not ready for me to have this or that, and move along.
somewhere in my last set of steps, i finally grew enough love for myself and saw that my beliefs had value, that i could step out from the pile of spiritual bullshit that comprised the first fifteen years of my recovery journey. i could no longer accept a second best understanding of a HIGHER POWER, even if it meant looking a bit “different” from my peers or would require more work to fit into the structure that is my daily program of active recovery. waking up to the fact that i could stay clean, even if i was not playing to the crowd, is a very freeing experience and it allows me the freedom to allow my peers to follow whatever path they choose to follow. i do not have to judge how “right” their spiritual experience is nor how it fits with mine. just because i was lazy and fearful in choosing my concept way back when, does not reflect on how my peers choose their concepts of a HIGHER POWER.
something that has been coming up lately for me, as i watch others live in the chaos of low self-worth and trying to prove to the local fellowship, how much power they do have, i have found myself looking to short-circuit their desires by applying the power i have and beating them into submission to seeing things the way i do. as much glee as it may give me, and looking at it from this side with then total expectation that even if i did not get my way, i would show them up for the frauds they are, i realize that is not the person i really want to be. the DESIRE to “show those f*ckers” who the real power behind throne may be, has been overwhelming the past ten days. as i sat this morning i finally caught a glimpse of where i was going with that notion. i would “look like” i was the knight in shining armor riding in to rescue the group that is being held hostage by the warped personality of evil dukes. as i sat, it became painfully obvious that this would be an exercise to manufacture some false self-esteem and worth, rather than actually doing something for the benefits of my peers. it would be me, inserting myself into a situation that really does not concern me, just as others have done in the past. putting this down and saving it to the bits and bytes that are the internet, may not make it real, but it does allow me to be accountable to myself and i have a whole lot more shaking going on, than i thought. it is a good day to let go, perhaps do a bit of research and see what is really up.

∞ DT ∞