Some memes

to give in this fellowship, and i do not need to be a professional to do it. i have to laugh a bit at that statement. one of the places i used to carry the message in to, used to call us professionals when we were escorted back into the locked down areas. the notion of being a “professional” addict, has always been an amusing one to me, and one might tend to agree, that when i was using, i may have not done so “professionally,” but finding the ways and means to use, seemed like a full-time job. these days, when i walk through my day, i seek to be of service to my fellowship, my peers and those who i encounter along my path. i give what i can and i give quietly most of the time. my need for accolades and recognition, at least from my peers in recovery, fades as my just for todays, add up.
as i was dipping into the void this morning, one notion kept popping off the stack, namely how am i doing at being attentive to what the message is and means. i know what out=r message is, and i wholeheartedly agree with that message. in fact i am grateful that way back when i first heard it, it sounded too good to be true. how can someone, such as myself stop using drugs, LOSE the desire to use and find a new way of life. i had stopped using more than once, but i never lost the desire to use, in those brief periods of externally imposed abstinence. in fact, i ALWAYS was quite sure that the second i was free from those constraints i would return to using, and i did, except for the very last time. even after i lost my fear of being locked-up, i saw that a life in which i was not spending all of my time seeking my next high, was more than just okay. once i was clean long enough that i could choose to use, or better yet, choose not to use, a switch was flipped in my head and i became a member of this fellowship by choice. i have made that choice for days on end now and i have no regrets about not using, even though it worked for me to the very end and i never promised myself that i would stop forever. i do have to feel sad for my peers with time, who have never arrived in this spot and live in abject fear of relapse, even after decades clean. if i found myself in that state, day in and day out, i would just fucking use, rather than be miserable my whole life. i am, however, not in that state, so i can choose to live a life of active recovery.
as my last week of work begins, i am feeling less fearful and more hopeful than ever. i may not have a new gig lined up, but i am excited to be moving in a new direction. some time off to practice my craft, get some of the stuff done around the house and relax, is beginning to feel appealing. with that thought on the top of my head, it is time to put on my sneakers and get my miles in. i may not be a professional recovering addict, but i do have a manner of living that allows me the freedom to be a professional something else, just for today.

∞ DT ∞