Some memes

i am seeking is not some abstract thing it is how i live the steps. coming to after years of active addiction and eighteen months of mere abstinence, i found myself in a peculiar place. what i believed was the answer, escape into the pleasure of getting high, i could now see as the problem. pleasure was not the problem, the problem was why i had the desire to escape i the first place. drugs were not the problem, but my uncontrollable need to use them was the doorway into a life where freedom beckoned me. i was not sure i wanted what was being offered but after eighteen months of mere abstinence and turning down the opportunity to get high where no one would see me, i knew something had to change. it was fear of consequences that kept me from using that night and i now had the desire to remove those consequences from my life. as a result, my perception of my reality shifted. i saw that i was consumed by my need to escape and as long as i was in its thrall the consequences would follow.
of course, once i discovered recovery, i also saw that it was never about getting high or escaping. the part of me i call addiction, controlled my life and anything i could do to quiet the screaming for more, was what i was willing to do. i still am an addict even after some time clean. the desire to get high may be quieter but it still is there. recovery has taught me that as unmanageable as it may be, if i correct the root cause of needing something more, i can live a life in freedom. the freedom i have today, is not the freedom that the rest of the world that are not addicts enjoy, i cannot use without consequences even if they are no longer legal ones. the consequences i face today are the loss of self and serenity i have been given. the balance between desire and restraint. and most importantly the ability to love and be loved. not all that long ago, i believed i had a limited capacity to love. in order to love someone else, i would have to stop loving someone in my life. that fallacy has been corrected and i know today that i have an unlimited capacity to love, to trust, to survive the pain of living and to thrive in my own skin.

∞ DT ∞