going to any lengths
Posted: Tue, Jul 15, 2025 10:13:18 AM
and *no matter what*, ARE quite different from commitment in a healthy, spiritual practice. my wife has said it more than once, so she must think it is true, that i am obsessive and compulsive to the extent that i might be diagnoses by a professional as being inflicted with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. ironically, the one time i sought professional help, i was diagnosed with Panic Disorder, bordering on agoraphobia. i am no sure about either of those labels, but i certainly like staying home and i am fixed in my routines and the commitments i have taken on, perhaps to the point of being less than healthy.
as i sat and heard the void this morning, and this as a morning where the noise in my head quickly shutdown and did not return, i got a sense of stillness and that i was not living that far off the mark. YIKES, i almost felt “normal!” what did bubble up from those depths after i got up and started my day, was a sense of being purposeful about what i do today, look at what i have committed to and see where my motives to be my best self and where i have the desire to appear as if i am my best self, line up. 😵 i know as my unworked THIRD STEP continues to work me over, i am starting to get some insight into what i need to turn over and what, perhaps, i can take care of myself. doing an inventory of what i have committed to and more importantly, how i feel about those commitments, is not a bad task to undertake. on the surface, all of my commitments feel like they are activities that are not a chore or a burden, but i am great at deluding myself and denying what is, so a moment of reflection this evening may certainly help sort this out.
my job hunt tasks have been completed, so it is time for me to post this and move into skill-building. i have used all that i am learning, but it is weird that i missed some of he most important aspects as i copied, pasted and altered code from searches. this respite from full-time employment, is actually me grasp what i missed in my last position and perhaps, when the time is right, i will get the opportunity to put all of this to work, without the help of AI or Stack Overflow. just for today, i will honor my commitment to myself and build on what i know and have already used.
as i sat and heard the void this morning, and this as a morning where the noise in my head quickly shutdown and did not return, i got a sense of stillness and that i was not living that far off the mark. YIKES, i almost felt “normal!” what did bubble up from those depths after i got up and started my day, was a sense of being purposeful about what i do today, look at what i have committed to and see where my motives to be my best self and where i have the desire to appear as if i am my best self, line up. 😵 i know as my unworked THIRD STEP continues to work me over, i am starting to get some insight into what i need to turn over and what, perhaps, i can take care of myself. doing an inventory of what i have committed to and more importantly, how i feel about those commitments, is not a bad task to undertake. on the surface, all of my commitments feel like they are activities that are not a chore or a burden, but i am great at deluding myself and denying what is, so a moment of reflection this evening may certainly help sort this out.
my job hunt tasks have been completed, so it is time for me to post this and move into skill-building. i have used all that i am learning, but it is weird that i missed some of he most important aspects as i copied, pasted and altered code from searches. this respite from full-time employment, is actually me grasp what i missed in my last position and perhaps, when the time is right, i will get the opportunity to put all of this to work, without the help of AI or Stack Overflow. just for today, i will honor my commitment to myself and build on what i know and have already used.
∞ DT ∞