Some memes

my recovery, to share my experience, strength, and hope, is part of doing loving service to my fellowship. as i dive into this topic, i am a bit leery about going into a litany of how much of service i am to my fellowship. doing my part and being part of the community of recovery has always been a desire of mine, after a bit of time clean and actually in recovery. in the past i have written that i had the desire to be seen and respected, so highly visible service opportunities was how i did service. in those days it was all about being “more,” when i felt so much “less.” time and steps allowed me to uncover who i truly am and how the ways and means i serve is far from relevant to my self-esteem and self-respect. as my self-confidence grew, i saw that being in the spotlight was not achieving anything, but fueling my feelings of inadequacy. coming to terms with that, has allowed me to be of service, even when no one expects me to do so, or is even watching.
running late to my home group after agreeing to be there at 9:30 this morning, made me all kinds of crazy. cutting off my sponsee, yesterday, when he wanted to hang. made me feel sad and obtuse as i did not understand that is what he wanted. sitting here after dealing with both of those “issues,” i see that i am only human and i can run late or not be a mind reader, as i am only human. i am not a lowlife, flaky scum, although i certainly had the desire to go there, and it took a minute to catch my breath and be okay with how things played out.
the guys i work with, laughed when i said i like to be the “master of my domain” when i am at work, without realizing how serious i really was about that notion. as i get into the hang of retail, more and more i want to be present for the folks i serve and be there when they have needs that i can meet. i really do not like sitting around and not paying attention to my environment and it might be seen as hovering or they may feel i am making them look bad. wither way, i like staying in the front of the store and not sitting on my ass in the office and as i get a better idea of what i really need to do to thread the needle between customer service and hovering, i know that i will be able to serve my employer better and be more confident in my seemingly newly acquired social skills.
it is time, however, to get a few things done before i go to work this afternoon, being of service to myself and my household. i am feeling okay and there is no Sword of Damocles, hanging over my head as i prepare to get moving back towards my retail gig. it is a good day to be clean and remember that unless i take care of myself, i am unable to serve anyone else, just for today.

∞ DT ∞