๐ฅต addiction can ๐คท
Posted: Wed, Feb 18, 2026 10:28:52 AM
transform me into a master of self-deception. the whole superior gig of last week, is certainly a case in point. i had gone to the place of feeling less than those around me. my bank account is not large enough, i am not productive enough, i have no children and nothing to do with my days in retirement. the litany of my woes could go on and on. in order to counter those “failings” i sought out examples of others whose failing i perceived as greater than my own in order to feel better about myself. i deluded myself into feeling less than, by looking at what i do not have, instead of balancing the those failings with what i do have. my reality, when i am not in denial, is that i have what i need and for the most part i am comfortable in my own skin.
this morning, as i pondered the nature of who i am and my place in the world, i came to a place where i can see how i deceived myself into believing that once again i was not worth anything and far too broken to be seen as myself. the payoff? i got to fall into an old story of being a victim, once again. the world was treating me poorly and i have little agency in how i live my life. as i shared about my feelings, my focus changed from what i was not and what i did not have, to what i am and what i may become. the fact that i am stalling on opening my notebook and picking up my pen, does not help matters much, in fact it feeds that transformation into being a master of self-deception. i tell myself i am not worth becoming anything more and why write my step, if nothing is going to change anyhow. sick, sick, sick.
after a minute clean, i am glad i do not live in this version for very long. i can and do realize that i am playing games with my identity that i no longer desire. in fact, on the other side, i want to feel the pain of shame, rather than living in the moment and restoring a picture of my reality. i am a master of shame and when i find myself there, i can move quickly into forgiveness of my lapse into the alt-evil view of myself. today, i may not be perfectly right-sized, but just for today, i am much closer to that ideal than i have been in the past week.
this morning, as i pondered the nature of who i am and my place in the world, i came to a place where i can see how i deceived myself into believing that once again i was not worth anything and far too broken to be seen as myself. the payoff? i got to fall into an old story of being a victim, once again. the world was treating me poorly and i have little agency in how i live my life. as i shared about my feelings, my focus changed from what i was not and what i did not have, to what i am and what i may become. the fact that i am stalling on opening my notebook and picking up my pen, does not help matters much, in fact it feeds that transformation into being a master of self-deception. i tell myself i am not worth becoming anything more and why write my step, if nothing is going to change anyhow. sick, sick, sick.
after a minute clean, i am glad i do not live in this version for very long. i can and do realize that i am playing games with my identity that i no longer desire. in fact, on the other side, i want to feel the pain of shame, rather than living in the moment and restoring a picture of my reality. i am a master of shame and when i find myself there, i can move quickly into forgiveness of my lapse into the alt-evil view of myself. today, i may not be perfectly right-sized, but just for today, i am much closer to that ideal than i have been in the past week.
∞ DT ∞