Some memes

i seed the ground for connecting with others. okay, i will not beat the dead horse about not knowing who i am and seeking my true self, this morning. when i was using the only connection i desired with others was to get something from them. i hid who i really was in plain sight and could play many a different role, depending on the crowd i was around. for a person who desired nothing more than to be mostly left alone, that sort of living was exactly what the doctor ordered. i would have said, way back when, that i was thriving, when in reality i was merely only getting by. the only rel friend i had was the substances i was using on at least a daily basis, and they never failed to do the trick.
getting clean and living in a state of mere abstinence was hardly much better, as for the first time i actually felt twinges of loneliness and used my “super recovering addict” persona to attempt to win friends and influence people. buying stuff and overeating helped to fill that void, but it was hardly enough and if not for my abject desire not to go to prison, i would have used for sure that night in New Jersey. i wanted connection but i was still afraid of others seeing the real me and my persona kept them close enough and far enough away, that i started to feel a part of, sort of.
actually committing to recovery, however, woke something up in me that i had not felt in a very long time: the desire to actually have people in my life who cared for me and for whom i could care. i did not reveal my whole self to anyone for quite some time and it took a very long minute to drop the persona, but in the long run, the steps worked their magic and i started a real journey to becoming whole, genuine and self-aware. by lingering at the doorstep of my FOURTH STEP, i am getting a chance for my head to catch up with my heart. i am not afraid of what will be revealed, i just want to make sure i dive all the way down and for once, not sweep anything under the carpet. i am tired of stumbling over something i could have taken care of in real time, somewhere further down the line. the lie i had been living under could have been exploded at least a decade and a half before i finally faced it, and that lie kept me from starting to see who i really was for a very long minute.
in the here and now, i show who i am, warts and all, and have come to a place where what one thinks of me is none of my bidness. walking that path allows me the freedom to be someone i am and keeps me from being what i am not, just for today.

∞ DT ∞