๐ฅ as i learn ๐
Posted: Sat, Oct 3, 2026 08:16:00 AM
what is true for me, i find that i am less compelled either to be perfect or to destroy myself. this is the seed i took into the void. unfortunately there was some shit that i needed to process before i could let this sit and mellow. the teammate i have issues with, has been suspended and his future with the company is under investigation. i find that a bit disturbing as i have moved him into the mostly harmless category and was coming to a place of empathy for him. i do not know what goes on in his head, but i can say my interactions with him, seemed to indicate that he is oblivious on how to interact with me. he also has more than once taken the easier, softer way to do our work and tried to blame his mistakes on the rest of us. is that worthy of firing? i do not know but i do not have the entire picture. the second issue that popped up was whether of not i was going to send an e-mail to Black Rifle Coffee Company explaining how they missed the opportunity to turn a potential hater into a lifelong, loyal, repeat customer.
neither of those were where i wanted to go this morning and once they surface and spun around in m y head for a few minutes, i was able to dismiss them. what happens to Dick is out of my hands, whether i write the letter or not, is not. in the shower, as i lathered, rinsed and repeated, i came to the conclusion that IF i write the e-mail, i am kinder to the customer service rep than she was to me. i will not blame or slag her, i will report what i felt and say more than that she was courteous, professional and terse. i will also report how i felt by her responses and even if that was not her intent, i felt blamed, disrespected and dismissed. that decision has another twenty-four hours to marinate.
which brings me to my seed, which consumer the better half of my journey into the void and which brought nothing up for me to noodle around. it certainly put those other two “issues” into perspective, hence the empathy i am showing both of the people i could heavily slag on. when i take a step back from my feelings and consider what it is that i truly am seeing, what it comes down to is that i am facing my fear of being weak and feeble, and being seen as such, by standing up for myself. i could have accepted much less than i got from customer service, even if i did not get everything i desired. i could also breathe a sigh of relief that Dick may be on his way out. i may not like working with him, but i have come to a place where i can tolerate him and deal with what i know he leaves behind. more importantly, neither of those situation need to engender a “Fuck me” moment, even if i handled with less than perfect grace. neither of those situations require me to fall on the floor, whipping myself with a spiritual cat-'O-nine-tails, screaming about how much better i could have been. i did what i did and guess what, i need no forgiveness and no absolution for what i thought and how i wanted to react. that is nice change of pace and one i am going to cherish in the here and now. just for today, i will remember that i am more than a collection of assets and defects and that together they make the whole person who rises above them all.
neither of those were where i wanted to go this morning and once they surface and spun around in m y head for a few minutes, i was able to dismiss them. what happens to Dick is out of my hands, whether i write the letter or not, is not. in the shower, as i lathered, rinsed and repeated, i came to the conclusion that IF i write the e-mail, i am kinder to the customer service rep than she was to me. i will not blame or slag her, i will report what i felt and say more than that she was courteous, professional and terse. i will also report how i felt by her responses and even if that was not her intent, i felt blamed, disrespected and dismissed. that decision has another twenty-four hours to marinate.
which brings me to my seed, which consumer the better half of my journey into the void and which brought nothing up for me to noodle around. it certainly put those other two “issues” into perspective, hence the empathy i am showing both of the people i could heavily slag on. when i take a step back from my feelings and consider what it is that i truly am seeing, what it comes down to is that i am facing my fear of being weak and feeble, and being seen as such, by standing up for myself. i could have accepted much less than i got from customer service, even if i did not get everything i desired. i could also breathe a sigh of relief that Dick may be on his way out. i may not like working with him, but i have come to a place where i can tolerate him and deal with what i know he leaves behind. more importantly, neither of those situation need to engender a “Fuck me” moment, even if i handled with less than perfect grace. neither of those situations require me to fall on the floor, whipping myself with a spiritual cat-'O-nine-tails, screaming about how much better i could have been. i did what i did and guess what, i need no forgiveness and no absolution for what i thought and how i wanted to react. that is nice change of pace and one i am going to cherish in the here and now. just for today, i will remember that i am more than a collection of assets and defects and that together they make the whole person who rises above them all.
∞ DT ∞