Some memes

conscious decision to drop the defenses that once kept me safe. show no fear, keep your cards close to your chest, and most of all never let them see you down. those were the words i lived by, back in the long ago, even before i picked up for the first time. they played well into the lie i had crafted about how broken i was and how i had to hide my “true” self from the entire world. living a lie and emulating the “ideal” modern man was tiring work and using helped ease that effort, as i could be anyone i needed to be to get high and hang with those with whom i got high.
getting clean and watching and listening to my peers, gave a me a clue or two what they meant by freedom, but it still took quite some time for me to open up and allow myself to be seen. part of the problem was that my first sponsor told me that anything i did not want to see in the local paper, was something i should not share in an open meeting. i twisted that into a version that fit the lie i was living and kept everyone out, letting just a little bit of light to shine through the cracks in my defenses. it was not until i accepted the fact that i was an addict and entered recovery, rather than mere abstinence did things begin to change.
it still took a very long minute to become an “open book.” at least i did not have to wait for the lie to be x exploded, before i started to show others who i was. it is true, that was a carefully crafted and curated view, but it well beyond what i was willing to show, when i first got clean. steps and clean time have been my savior and even if i do not reveal my whole self to every single person in the world, i do let my peers, my friends, my loved ones and my trusted acquaintances see all there is to see. each and every time i allow myself to be seen, it lessens the fear and helps keep the lie that was my life for five decades at bay. today i am comfortable showing who i am to those around me and most importantly to myself, just for today.

∞ DT ∞