Blog entry for:

when i go to meetings and make this admission, i gain more than personal strength. well i am back home, at least for the next few days, and perhaps i can get something rolling this morning. it is true, that i am back at my routine, and the number of distractions i have have been diminished to their usual number, so i will see what comes out as a result.
it is a bit ironic that all i have to bitch about these days is no time, because i am going here and there. that irony really is apparent as i ponder over the past few days and the topics i had to write about. with that irony in mind, it seems what i am feeling and hearing is the crescendo of pent-up ideas. yes, i have one more trip to make this weekend. yes i have tons of work on my desk. yes i have a HUGE amount of work for service to catch-up with. most importantly, i NEED to get back to taking care of me, and the reminder of what i NEEDED to do way back when and how i STILL NEED to do it today, is an excellent one for me this morning.
life, at least my life right here and right now, has gotten so full, that i almost could start to believe that i am sort of, kind of **NORMAL**! what that means is that if i start coming to believe that, i am on my way out the door. reminding myself of the desperation i felt in the dark times of my early recovery, reminding myself of the desolation of the bleak landscape of my active addiction, and reminding myself of the a shell of a human being i before i even considered that i was an addict, is all part and parcel of how i NEED to live a FIRST STEP today. it may have been over four thousand days since i last used, BUT the fact that i am an addict has not changed. the manner in which this particular idiom works is that if all these things have changed in my life, then maybe as a result maybe i am not now and never was an addict in the first place. if i am not an addict then it is alright to use, and i should be able to use moderately. so if that is the case, why not give it a whirl!?
so when i stumble across a reading like the one this morning, it is good for me to ponder what my life was like way back then, and most importantly take a quick inventory to see if deep down inside anything has really changed. honestly, when i consciously think about using, my heart races, i get that certain feeling in the pit of my stomach, and i can feel the obsession starting to get rolling. in my mind, those seem like the symptoms that were manifest when i was in active addiction, so certainly that has not changed. if that base reaction has not changed even with some clean time, than the basic premise i grudgingly accepted back at the beginning of my recovery MUST still be true today. namely, that i am an addict and i am powerless over my addiction PERIOD. if i accept that i am powerless over my addiction THEN i need help to stay clean today. that help arrives in the form of the other members who comprise my friends, family, loved ones, sponsor family and peers. yes a POWER GREATER THAN ME, provides the power through those people, it is up to me to be present for that gift and transform it into the power i need to stay clean today.
so after a four day vacation from running, the time has come to make a tour of the neighborhood. it is after all a good day to get back on track.

∞ DT ∞