Blog entry for:

there is a wealth of experience and wisdom available to me from the members of the fellowship that has given me this new manner of living. in fact, as i sat at the meeting last night, listening to what as being shared i was struck by a thought that is leading me to find the way out of the spiritual corner that i have painted myself into. honestly, there was not a whole lot being shared lat night, in my opinion, beyond the usual “i really liked the reading…” that is normally shared. in the moments of honesty and depth that were shared, i got an inspiration about how to get through the wall i have erected. i ended up sharing for about 30 seconds to say out loud what my inspiration was, and low and behold here it is the topic of the daily reading namely the FIRST STEP.
it is true, that i daily admit how powerless i am over addiction. what that has done is allowed me to live a program of recovery, it also insulates me from the REAL meaning of FIRST STEP. namely that the addict within, will do everything in it's power to take me away from recovery. just as i have all the tools of recovery at my disposal as well as the amount of knowledge i have accumulated about myself across the course of my recovery, the addict within has access to and the knowledge of how to use that against me in it's battle. i may hate to admit that, but it is true, and what it tells me in my own voice and words is exactly what i most want to hear, that i am not really an addict and here is the plethora of reasons why that is true…
what is the point? well i am sitting in STEP THREE and although i know it is only about making a decision, there is also the action of implementing that decision and moving into FAITH that i will be cared for by the POWER that fuels my recovery with a single condition: IF I ALLOW IT TO!
i have told myself that i can surrender most of my will and my life into that care BUT…
we all know what but means.
it is the addict that tells me that no matter how messed up my finances are, i can fix them, with a POWERBALL ticket, just keep spending like there is no tomorrow. it is the addict within that tells me that asking for help makes me look weak and feeble, so just keep pretending nothing is wrong, so i can keep up appearances. it is the addict withing that argues that this whole spiritual program is a bunch of superstitious smoke and mirrors to keep in enslaved and enthralled. it is the addict within, sounding so rational and logical that tells me that I MUST TAKE CONTROL and FIND THE SOLUTION MYSELF. so here i sit in misery wondering which was is up.
the answer is to draw a door on the wall that my back is up against and have FAITH that the POWER that fuels my recovery will provide me the means and opportunity to reach the other side, no matter how illogical or irrational that sounds. all i have to do is make the decision, without consequences and watch and listen for my answer.
all of this comes back to the line that struck out in the new piece of literature i am reading: “when i say i am seeking a solution i am actually looking for control.”
when i am looking for control i have forgotten to LIVE STEP ONE and i end up back in the same twisted wreckage i came from. so today as i hit the streets i will remember that living in FAITH is a testament to how far i have come and the path to becoming more than i was yesterday, nowt some sort of life sentence to ignorance.
off to the streets it is!

∞ DT ∞